It’s Your Fault

I’m a 22 year-old girl from Belgium, who got raped for 5 years by the boyfriend of my mother who has a borderline personality disorder.

I’m really glad that there is a website like this, because, thanks to those stories I feel less alone. I hope that I could meet some of those great women once in my life, because now it still stays a very lonely package to care every day of my life.

I was 11 when my mother met a new guy. Another one. My mother’s boyfriend number 44. But this one felt good. He was careful, playful and gave me some attention. We became really close friends. Just until the day that my mom felt into a depression.

That first time, he came into my room in the middle of the night. Completely naked. I didn’t know what a naked man looked like, I founded it funny, because his private part stood up. He told me that it was my fault that my mom was sick. Because I was such a bad girl. But he knew a way to make my mom better. I felt so relieved, that he knew a way to make her better! I would have done everything because I felt really guilty that it was my fault. He smiled, because I was so enthusiastic! I will never forget that smile in my life.

He raped me over 100 times. He didn’t only raped me, he also humiliated me by letting me eat dogwood on a leash. One time he almost killed my by not letting me breath under the shower. I fainted, but woke up naked on the bed, with a camera in front of me and in my own pee and sweat. It was 3 days later from the day that I almost drowned in the shower. He was watching me, giggling. Because he got on tape how stupid I was, how ugly I was and how good he was, by loving me, this little ugly bastard.

One day, I watched a episode from Oprah, where there were a lot of young women who told the same story. Not exactly, but their father also abused them and blamed the girl instead of him.

Then I realized that my situation wasn’t really normal. So I told my mom (for the fourth time, but now I had proof that this wasn’t normal). I think she just believed me, because boyfriend number 45 was waiting. But however, I got out of my terrible situation myself, thanks to Oprah!

I want to show girls who still are in this situation, that life can be fine after the nightmare. My life isn’t perfect and I still feel a lot of pain and loneliness. But at least I can see into the mirror and I feel proud, because I had the courage to tell!