When I was 5/6 years old I was friends with a girl with a brother who was a year older than us. He was always so nasty to me (picked me apart, called me names) for absolutely no reason! However when we were by ourselves, he was weirdly nice to me. One day I’d gone over my friends’ house and her brother said he wanted to show me something. He wanted me to go behind the couch in the family room. I did as I was told. He then proceeded to put his hands down my shirt and touch me inappropriately. I thought it was definitely odd but I couldn’t say anything. I didn’t know what to do. I’ve never outwardly told anyone that. And I let it go.
About 7 years ago, I mistakenly reconnected with this guy through Facebook (bad news.). Wish I never did. I accepted his friend request but never really talked. One night he started I.m.-Ing me and started asking me personal questions. Then it became more complicated.(there’s a whole other part of the story I can’t get into.) He then would instruct me to meet him in various places. For almost a month I was mentally, emotionally abused by him and I wasn’t even in a relationship with him. He sexually assaulted me a handful of times in different ways in the period of a month. I never have told my friends not even my family what happened to me. I understand it wasn’t my fault. However I feel extremely digusted I still feel. I cannot have a normal relationship with a man. I constantly feel like they can see right through me.
I just want to stop feeling like this. (Tarnished, unlovable)
Oh this post tugs at my heart strings. I’m glad you wrote that it’s not your fault but I’m going to tell you again that IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT. And I can’t tell you how to feel but you are not tarnished or disgusting. You are so strong for writing your story here. I know this can feel so daunting but I would encourage you to talk to someone about what happened. You can try calling a rape crisis hotline (you don’t have to be in crisis per se to call them) so that you’re not risking a relationship with someone close to you. But I have a feeling that the people who love you will STILL LOVE YOU if you tell them what happened. I’m not saying tell them all at once or even everything to one person at once. But opening up about what you’re feeling can be really helpful and you don’t have to carry it all by yourself. Sending you lots of light and LOVE!!! Alexis
Thank you for your encouraging words. Much appreciated
It’s not your fault. If I were you I would block him from Facebook and block his number. A restraining order is really easy to get and you don’t even need to go to the police for it. You go to a judge and explain why you want one. They hand those things out like candy. That way you can protect yourself a little easier. Take care.