Just Friends

Three and a half years ago I experienced something pretty strange to say the least. I have only now come to the realization of what it actually could’ve been. I was kind of seeing a boy at the time, we were on and off, but another boy who lived across the road from me started messaging me on Facebook. We spoke about normal stuff and I went to see him a couple of times just to watch films. One night our conversation got rather heated. We started flirting quite a lot and we both shared experiences in that area we’d had, I’d only slept with the boy I was kind of seeing at this point. He was a virgin. He rung me the next day and invited me round so I went across just assuming it’d be the same as before. I didn’t want anything to happen, I didn’t even want to kiss him because I still liked this other boy but I had the worry that he maybe thought it was more than it was. We were laying on his bed talking like we normally did when he leaned in for a kiss. I went in for it because it’s hard to say no. He started feeling around my boobs which made me a little uncomfortable but still I didn’t say anything. He started moving his hand downwards so I said “I don’t want to go any further” so he said “okay that’s fine” and carried on with what he was doing before. He tried again. The same happened. On the third time he said “we’re halfway through, you can’t stop now” and I remember those words very clearly. Thinking it was selfish to stop, I pulled my leggings down. I still remember the red underwear I was wearing at the time. He started fingering me and I didn’t push him away, I just laid there thinking that I didn’t want this to happen. I must’ve been during a train of thought because next thing I knew he’d got on top of me and pulled his joggers down. He grabbed my boobs as if he was holding me down in some way and put it in. As soon as he’d done it I yelled “stop it” repeatedly and said “I don’t want to do this”. He carried on for what felt that forever but in reality was probably about 20 seconds. He then stopped and asked “do you want me to take it out?”. I replied with a shocked “yes” but he carried on for the same amount of time. I carried on yelling. There wasn’t one point during it that I wasn’t calling for him to stop. I didn’t enjoy it. I didn’t want it to happen. After he pulled it out, I laid there half naked in complete shock. I’d froze, it just all seemed black when I recall it. I didn’t use any physical force in case he flipped out at me. I thought my words would be enough. I felt him moving around to which I realized he was finishing himself. I felt like I wasn’t good enough, that he’d denied my trust but also that I’d ruined his first time. The first thing he said afterwards was “was that me or you?” in a jokey way whilst looking at the wet patch on his bed. I just replied with a sad toned “I don’t know”. I was confused at what had just happened but he didn’t even see a problem so I convinced myself that there wasn’t one. He started playing Xbox which is when I texted the other boy asking him to call me to get me out of his house. I saw him immediately afterwards. I didn’t cry. I was just in complete shock and confusion. I was texting the boy across the road and he convinced me that we were both in the wrong so I believed it. I couldn’t have sex with the other boy for months because I would just burst into tears, and recently, I’ve done the same now that the events are being dragged up. I ended up going out with him. He never did that again although he would joke about a lot more than other guys when we were intimate and I said I didn’t want it, because he knew he could change my mind. Since the n, the boys who I’ve been with have meant far less. I’ve seen sex as merely an act of fun and not of meaning or love. I just let boys take me for whatever they wanted because I thought that’s what they all need. It brought me comfort knowing they possibly liked me for giving it up. I’ve swept this under the carpet for 3 and a half years but only now am I starting to realize it may have been rape, which changed my life more than I knew.