I feel safe here to share my story. I do apologize that it is long. So far, writing has been the only form of release for me.
Spring Semester 2016, senior year of college
I know we both had been drinking, but I felt safe with you. We were pretty much making out as soon as I walked through your door. And then I blacked out. I woke on my stomach on your bed with my pants off. I don’t remember taking them off, but I probably did. You were lying on top of me, trying your best to put yourself in me. I lied there for a little not having the ability to ask you to stop or move my body. When I regained a little consciousness, I asked if we could just talk first or sleep for a little bit. But you ignored me and kept trying to put yourself in me. And then I asked again. You were frustrated. You asked me why did I bother coming over if I just wanted to talk or sleep. I felt hurt by your words. I guess I blacked out again because moments later I woke on my back against your pillows. You were facing me from across the bed. I felt guilty for coming over and not having sex with you; so I gave you the okay.
You grabbed the condom and immediately you were in me. After a couple minutes, I started to feel pain. I asked you to pull out. You didn’t respond. I told you that it hurts and you need to pull out. No response. I told you I couldn’t do this, it hurts and you need to pull out. No response. I tried pushing you off a bit. But you pressed down and I felt you thrust harder. My body was hurting even more. I pleaded, you need to pull out, I can’t do this, and you need to stop. You finally gave me some sort of response. You told me words that still haunt me. You said to me, “you can scream, you can scratch and you can bite, but you’re going to have to let me finish”.
My mind froze for a bit. I attempted to push you off again. I tried to scratch you, but you kept pushing me down and thrusting harder. I gave up I couldn’t win this fight.
I was so ashamed of myself the next day. I immediately told a couple of my friends, looking for reassurance. They asked me if I wanted to press charges and I said no. I didn’t want it to be real. I know I texted you and told you if we still wanted to hook up in the future we needed to respect each other. And you said okay. But I didn’t feel okay. I felt violated and scared, and didn’t want to tell you. In my head I kept making excuses for you, telling myself that it was an accident.
I’m not sure if we temporarily ended things are not, but while MY vagina was in recovery because of YOUR actions, you decided to try to sleep with another girl behind my back. For two weeks, it was difficult for me to sit or stand in a comfortable position without being in some kind of pain. My vagina was destroyed, I was forced to wear a pad because my vagina was so torn that it would bleed through out the day. I was humiliated.
I know I became paranoid of your whereabouts and thinking to myself “why isn’t he texting me?” but that was AFTER it happened. I never reacted like that before our infamous night. I acted like that because I was scared. I wanted stability. I wanted control of situations. And the more I felt distance from you, the more I yearned for you. You were scared, but I felt myself losing my sanity and it scared the shit out of me.
Your form of closure of this situation was to delete me from your life and it will all go away. You ignored me at parties. You ignored me in public. However, my way of dealing with this was to bring you closer and asked you to work with me. I felt myself losing self-confidence and control of my life. I began to cut myself again and contemplating the idea of suicide. You made me seem like I was crazy. Like I was overreacting.
The aftermath of dealing with this situation was complete hell for me. You once told me you cared about my well being, but let’s stop with the lies. If you cared about my well-being, you would have treated me with dignity and the respect that I deserved. You would have not been a coward and you would have apologized for your actions. Instead, you told me that we are not friends and you were only ever using me for sex.
I was thinking about pressing charges. My one friend encouraged me to go through with it. My other friend talked me out of it. Cause she knows that it’s not going to be an easy process for me and I may not get the outcome I deserve.
I’m not asking for an apology, but I’m letting you know how you have affected me. You have not shown me any kind of sympathy or forgiveness. You should be ashamed of yourself. Writing this out has been the best form of therapy for me. However, I am exhausted just trying to remember everything and express my feelings. I hope that you have learned something about yourself after this experience because I certainly have.