I was jogging through Fairmount Park, Philadelphia, just like I did twice a week for years, listening to my tunes, in the zone. Suddenly he grabbed me, dragged me into the bushes, and threw me onto the ground cover of ivy. In a second, my pants were off, and he was raping me. The act itself took less than a minute, and he punched me in the stomach, taking off with my electronics and fanny pack.
I found someone to call the police, and spent the hours giving statements and being examined. Except for some bruising and soreness, I wasn’t hurt too badly physically.
I gave up jogging in the park, and payed for a health club. I caught myself moving to the farthest machine that was unused, or taking my time to not be running next to someone on the indoor track.
I had a hard time accepting dates, or going somewhere alone where I could meet anyone. I had several friends invite me to meet someone. Eventually, I dated a few times. One such man I was getting a bit involved with, neither of us was committed as yet. We came home from a night to my place, and enjoyed a prolonged kiss goodnight(more of a leaving so soon kiss). He got a bit bolder, and went to remove my clothing. I felt an involuntary shudder, which he noticed, and took the wrong way. He excused himself, and went home. He was seeing a couple of other ladies, and decided he was involved with one of them.
I haven’t been able to stop that shudder, and I could only explain why. For that 1 minute, that stranger has caused years of heartbreak.
— Chris, age 30
I also have moments of the reminders of my pain. I just watched a show(thirteen reasons why)with my wife on Netflix and I prayed it didn’t end with her being “hurt.” All it did was remind me of my life and how he ruined it for me. So many times it pops in my head and when things trigger it(shows, people’s words, actions I see) I’m trying several coping mechanisms but I don’t believe you can ever get back what they took from us. It’s all about finding and having the good in your life to move on… first time stumbiming across this site because I wanted to vent my issue. Best wishes 🙏🏼
Dear Mark,
Thank You for your Support!
Please Vent, Talk, Discuss, it Really Helps! Some people can’t believe how I talk so ‘matter of fact’-ly about my sex life, but it was an attack done TO me. If I was robbed and struck in the head, and was scared of the Park, no one would be shocked. My local priest insisted there was no sin, but would pray for him instead.
I have been in Therapy to deal with it, regardless I can not stop that Shudder. I was on a date, and he unbuttoned my shirt, and took it off. I then took off my bra. I was happy this was going there! A little more foreplay later, and he went for my waistband and Shudder! Okay, I already explained that might happen, and it did, and it’s done. He reached again and Shudder, and a third time, and Shudder! Trust me, if you got that off, you could tell I Wanted this, so I’ll take it off, and Shudder! I was crying! He hugged me, and we never did, and just discussed PTSD. He has my #.
I am not too comfortable picking-up, and usually get fixed-up, like at parties. This often doesn’t work out. One such blind date was more fixated on Who did it, and that he was black, as if it would have been OK if he was white! Such ignorant comments(I will translate):”Well, at least the (censored racial) only (intercoursed) you for 30-40 seconds, so he didn’t (ejaculate) into you.” First, that heartwarming comment isn’t going to get you to intercourse me! Second, yes he did finish, he was just so fast. Third, apparently this made me so dirty to him, that he decided to leave me there, and I never told him I had a black boyfriend in High School, so enjoy your KKK meeting! I am a loving person, so it is His loss!
I found this site because I was looking for places to tell what happened, and how I feel. I’m glad to listen to a “Vent”, and having a like minded friend makes me forget how it felt when I was all alone. I’d hug you if you could get in arms reach.
I got together for a date with the great, caring, sensitive man sited above!
We had dinner. a concert, then ice cream before heading back to my place for a try at sex.
Well, we went slow, painstakingly slow. We knew what would happen when we got to my belt, I thought to go like a bandaid, and get it over with. He wouldn’t as he thought it would be just like my rape, and honestly I think he knows me better! He pulled at my belt, and when I Shuddered, he kept going slow, and then let me catch my breath. I did a little show lying there to let him know I was OK. We both were ready because the panties got a Shudder, and I just gasped to continue. He stopped to let me chill. My 1st time was easier!
He took my hips, and I was shaking, but urged him to do it! He entered me for the first time since my rape, and I felt good physically, and panic stricken mentally! I pleaded for him to continue, but he wouldn’t, as he didn’t think I was really ready for it. He got off me, and I was sitting there shaking and stuttering. We cuddled, and I offered to finish it for him, but he said it’s not important. We cuddled a long while watching TV. He said he was ready when I was Ready.
I see my Therapist on Monday, I will see this incredible man ASAP.
Dear Chris – thank you so much for sharing your story with us. That shudder sounds like a symptom of PTSD and frankly I’m not surprised you can’t stop it. Even if the actual time was short, what happened in the park is something that you have to work through and deal with. I see above that you are seeing a therapist and I applaud you for it. Please try to be gentle with yourself as you work through this. I hope you continue to heal and am sending you lots of light!! Alexis
Dear Alexis,
Thank you, I am so glad to have supporters!
My Therapist pointed out that shudder is PTSD, and was linked with the shock of the act.
She observed I can get dressed or change clothes, undress to shower, or use the toilet without an issue. My attacker removed only my pants(and underwear), so when sex is involved, that is where the shudder appears.
In Group, all the women were envious of the man I found who cared more about my trouble than his orgasm. 2 single ladies asked(jokingly) for his phone#, and a married lady did a “write it down for me” motion in her hand. You don’t know how warm this feels! I have gotten so many pity looks when I tell my story, that a rush of “you are so lucky!” emotions is indescribable.
It was suggested that I retrace my route that day, including the actual spot that the rape occurred, in order to symbolically “take back” my life, including “taking back” below my belt. The weather will be near 100 this week, but I have a friend who will go with me whenever I call her. It was a dark shady spot I was thrown into, so I appreciate your light, Alexis!
Chris
Me again! Yesterday a Friend and I went jogging back on my old route. It was a beautiful day(Finally!), and I hadn’t returned to Fairmount Park since that day, and armed with advice on “triggers”, we went to find the spot.
You would think it has been a while, and I was zoned then, and only saw it when I took the cops there and I just pointed it out from the other direction(they closed it for evidence gathering)that it might be difficult. We got right there, and I could recognize the spot, though I had no need to go in the bush to observe a pile of wet leaves, I had no fear of it, running by to finish my route was victory enough. We went to eat and talk and drink, and she wanted me to pick-up to “check if I shuddered”, but I was not that ready. It is nice to have a spot where I can publicly post an update that might seem so minor, but it is a journey longer than the run itself.
THAT IS NOT A MINOR UPDATE!!!!!! That’s amazing and I am SO proud of you for going back there. You’re right – the journey is longer than any run but that’s a huge milestone and I hope you are proud of yourself!!! Thank you so much for posting!