From the ages of 11-13 I was raped by my mother’s boyfriend. She knew it was happening. It began with me waking up to him standing in the doorway of my room. Then it progressed to stroking. It wasn’t necessarily sexual touching but it felt wrong. Then I woke up to him on top of me. I don’t always remember the nights clearly. I guess they all blurred together after awhile. But the nightmares always begin with him getting on top of me. The rest of it I don’t want to talk about. He has never been prosecuted. Some days I have more anger towards my mum than him. Why didn’t she stop it? I spent years not speaking to her. She apologized a few weeks ago after finally breaking up with him. I’m about to turn 20. I have regular nightmares. I feel dirty, unlovable, damaged. I’ve made improvements but part of me feels like these feelings will never go away.
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There are so many things I want to say to you. First and foremost, all of your feelings are real. Everything you are experiencing is common for survivors to feel. You may feel dirty, unlovable, and damaged, but I want you to know that while those things feel very real, they are far from true. Nothing he did to you makes YOU dirty and nothing he did to you makes you unworthy of love. It may feel like you are damaged, like he took a part of you that can never be brought back. Sexual violence changes you, but I firmly believe that healing is possible. The journey to heal can be long and it different for every survivor. You are so worthy of unconditional love and of fulfilling every dream you’ve ever had for yourself. You, as you are, are enough and you can overcome this. It certainly isn’t easy, but you are not alone and you are now part of a community here at Brave Miss World that stands in support and solidarity with you. If and when you are ready to talk about the rest of this, we are all here to listen.
I am really proud of you for writing your story here. You are stronger than you know and braver than you realize. Thank you for speaking up.