My boyfriend and I of 8 years had just broken up. He was an abusive alcoholic. When we broke up I knew it was for the best however, it still took a toll on me. I began to drink more then I ever had. I met Danny in my apartment building in July of 2015. He was much older then me but yet I felt comforted by confiding in someone that I thought I could trust.
On the night of July 12, 2015, he knocked on my apartment door and asked me to have a drink in his apartment. I said yes, and the next thing I remembered was waking up with my pants around my ankles and his mouth between my legs. After the police report was disclosed to me I had learned that it had been a period of several hours that he had molested and assaulted me. The hospital never did a rape kit and no exam or toxic screens were completed however, he had admitted during an interrogation that he had sexually assaulted me while I was asleep. At first he said it was consensual and that I was his girlfriend.
After several hours of interrogation is when he admitted to the detective to what he had done. A week later I received a phone call from the detective that this horrible creature committed suicide. I don’t know what is worse: having to sit in a court room and re-live that night and having him receive justice or having him take the easy way out of this life.
I am angry at him for killing himself… is this normal? Him killing himself made things worse for me not better. I continue to struggle. I have become an introvert and hate leaving my apartment. Every day tasks, like showering become a huge triumph when completed. I want to know if anyone else out there had an abuser that committed suicide and how they dealt with it. Is their life after death?
— Survivor, age 32
You aren’t alone on this one, my rapist killed himself too. I was young and he was my neighbour, I didn’t tell anyone so I was made to attend his funeral. Unlike you I don’t feel angry about what he did, I often feel guilty for his death yet I also feel like it made things easier for me, I didn’t have to live next to him for the next 8 years and counting. I think that in a way him dying helped me to move on because firstly I didn’t have to be scared for other people’s safety (he had a sister) and therefore the decision about whether to tell anyone/report it was much clearer. Secondly I knew that any threats etc he made were useless and didn’t matter anymore. I felt freed when he died because that person was no longer in this world to abuse anyone else or me any further. In my eyes, the only thing that matters is that I am safe and other people are safe from him and that I have control and power over my story. It is mine and I chose who knows what, when. I think if they were driven to suicide they must have suffered and going to jail is a form of making them suffer and pay. It is justice sending them to jail but its complicated and difficult and that is completely real but I would prefer him dead than the chance that he not be convicted, was released early or lived another day in this world.
Dear Survivor, thank you for sharing your story of courage. I think there are many women and men who will read your story and relate to not getting justice in a legal forum. My rapist is still alive, so in that way I can’t relate, but I do think that even though your rapist committed suicide you can still heal. I hope you have a support system to lean on, or have access to the rape crisis resources in your community. I believe in your ability to heal. I believe in you.
Everyone dies. What matters is life because that is what we all have maybe later we will have more or less. But that isn’t really the question for now. Because you see now we have life. If life gives you lemon make lemon tea. Do not worry about your sadness just carry on with your life without destructing it. Because I believe something that can make you smile will appear in your life. We can feel happiness because there are sadness. Good luck. I hope you find your answers. 🙂