Life and Death

I was raped by a man who told me that he was a friend of my roommate and that he, my roommate and friends were back at his hotel room. I believed him though I had inner stirrings of fear warning me of where he was leading me to. I ignored these because he was a friend of my roommate’s. I entered the room, and he turned and bolted the door closed, turned the TV on very loud. There was no one else in the room. I knew then positively that I was in danger. He stripped me as I struggled and fought. The harder I fought the more forceful he became until he had me pinned beneath him with his hands pressing around my throat. As he pressed to strangle me, our eyes locked and I knew that in that moment he could kill me, that I could die right then and no one would hear or know. I only knew that I wanted to live and would do whatever I could to get out of this situation. He raped me for what let like hours and in my mind I left my body and endured what was happening, praying that it be over soon and that I would be freed. I began to talk about my roommate and how strong and protective he was. I began talking as though I was this man’s friend and everything was okay. When he had what he wanted, he lay back, and I acted like my roommate would be wondering where I was. He smoked and I got my things and got out. This experience has effected me so much, my self-worth, my feelings of safety in the world, the violation which I have struggled with for so many years. As Linor has said, rape is so isolating. It is so shaming even when we have nothing to be ashamed of. Thank you for letting us tell our stories.