My name is Ciaran. I was raped when I was 16 while at the concert made in america, a boy who was friends with my ex boyfriend took advantage of me. I was upset since me and my boyfriend had just broken up that day so I took to the bottle and drank. I was already slightly drunk by the time I got to the boy. He then continued to give me more and more alcohol. My friends and I knew who he was since he was a year older than us and friends with my ex boyfriend so we did not protest when he took my hand and lead me away from my friends.
At this point, I was very drunk so I blacked out. The next hour or so is gone from my memory. Then next thing I remember is the boy on top of me and cops pulling us apart since they were worried I was being hurt. The boy had a fake id saying he was 22 and I was only 16 at the time so they thought I had been statutory raped. In the moment I was so out of it I thought nothing had happened, that we had only kissed so I told the cops it was fine, we only kissed and he wasn’t actually 22. They let him go with no rape kit of anything to prove what had been done. The next day the boy texted me and told me everything that had happened. I was so shocked, disgusted, and ashamed that I kept it to myself. I wanted to convinced myself it didn’t happen so I did it again to try to convince myself that I liked it the first time, but it was even worse this time the whole time I laid there wanting to stop but being to scared to say anything.
I kept this secret of my rape in for 6 months. It ate at me, kept me up at night scared someone was in my room going to do it again, i couldn’t go to school since I was terrified of seeing him there, and I become extremely depressed. When I finally told my parents it took the weight off my chest but also made the nightmare a reality. I also finally confronted my rapist. He denied what he did and told me not to tell people since he didn’t what to ruin his reputation. I started to attend a group therapy everyday for 2 hours. My therapist there helped me report the incident. After months of calling in my rape I got nothing back meaning they didn’t think it was rape. My rapist gets to walk free while I suffer.
I was finally getting better and not so detected from people. I let another boy in. I told him everything that had happened to me involving my rape, since it is a part of me. Since the rape I often have anxiety attacks and cry during sex. I wanted to inform my new boy what happens. He was really good and I thought I had someone to trust. Then one night after I told him about 20 times I didn’t want to have sex, while I was laying one my back he laid on top of me, and tried to pull my pants down. I was screaming stops this isn’t okay stop while pulling my pants up. I had to scream stop this isn’t okay about 3 times before it got it then I pushed him off and left. And he did’t understand what he did wrong. But he almost raped me and it brought back all the feeling of my real rape.
thank you for writting this, specially the part when you said you did it a second time to see if maybe you liked it the first time, because i did that too, i thought the same thing, had sex with a guy who had raped me 3 times before when i was blackout drunk, just to see if maybe i liked it, and that way feel like it had been my fault cause i was asking for it, because its easier to blame yourself than to admit you are now a character in a rape story.
and after i did that i just felt worse, you know sometimes i think maybe they just dont realize how much they are harming us,
maybe they think we’re just overreacting because even at this point i find it hard to believe that there are real monsters out there that will hurt you on purpose.
And it is hard trusting someone after that, because even i still have trust issues, but i know someday we’ll overcome this. i know its sounds like the same old song but if something is true is that what doesnt kill you makes you stronger.