I don’t have the luxury of forgetting, cursed with an eidetic memory & an I.Q. of 174 I can neither forget, or lie to myself about what happened, I was only 4 at the time & it continued until I was 12. These events have forever stained my mind & soul to the point I am far beyond lost.
I am a 35 year old male as I type this, you read correctly, a “MALE” rape victim, surely such a things not possible? Yes, it happens, I am living proof of it, you see, male rape victims almost always suffer in silence until the events & emotions eat you up inside like some kind of grotesque cancer.
At one point in my life I was a normal very outgoing kid & remember those days like it was yesterday & wish with such fervor I could go back & somehow change what happened. I was raped by me sister. Nothing new here & I suppose millions of others have went through something similar.
The thing is men are conditioned by society to internalize these things. Be a man! Suck it up & get on with you’re life! That would be great, only thing is I can’t & feel like some kind of defective human on the assembly line that should have been mercifully shot out of kindness.
What makes things even worse is I am told by others around me I am attractive & am constantly questioned as why I am not married. “Am I gay”? is a question I have had to deal with a lot. How I wish I was.
I have never had a girlfriend, I am so closed off & isolated emotionally to make something like this impossible. I would not wish someone like me off on anyone, especially someone I cared about. I am aware it is up to me to change, not looking to play the victim. “Real Men” never do.
I avoid any possible chances of intimacy & am so messed up inside emotionally. As a man you don’t have many options other than to suffer in silence. I spoke to a very close friend once & learned the hard way these things you just don’t talk about to male friends. Just bury it & never bring it up again I thought.
I have spoke with a therapist & she just thought I was so sweet & charming that nothing could possibly be wrong with me. I left with the impression of what I said not mattering or even listened to. It’s a struggle just to keep making myself go through the motions & actions of living a normal life without just ending it.
Men have endurance, only reason I am still here I suspect. My endurance is like a rock that’s slowly eroding away by the elements, it wont last forever & then that will be that, just another suicide statistic. This happens everyday to so many men it makes me sick. Male disposability in our society’s a *****.
The feelings of being alone, the bitterness, the betrayal it’s too much! Trapped! I’m trapped in this endless maelstrom of self loathing & doubt I am suffocating & just wish to escape, but there is no escape.
There’s only what happened that has such power over me & my life & I try to internalize all this & swallow that ohh so bitter pill of acceptance & move on with my life, until the next trigger action occurs & I have to deal with it all over again.