I don’t have the luxury of forgetting, cursed with an eidetic memory & an I.Q. of 174 I can neither forget, or lie to myself about what happened, I was only 4 at the time & it continued until I was 12. These events have forever stained my mind & soul to the point I am far beyond lost.
I am a 35 year old male as I type this, you read correctly, a “MALE” rape victim, surely such a things not possible? Yes, it happens, I am living proof of it, you see, male rape victims almost always suffer in silence until the events & emotions eat you up inside like some kind of grotesque cancer.
At one point in my life I was a normal very outgoing kid & remember those days like it was yesterday & wish with such fervor I could go back & somehow change what happened. I was raped by me sister. Nothing new here & I suppose millions of others have went through something similar.
The thing is men are conditioned by society to internalize these things. Be a man! Suck it up & get on with you’re life! That would be great, only thing is I can’t & feel like some kind of defective human on the assembly line that should have been mercifully shot out of kindness.
What makes things even worse is I am told by others around me I am attractive & am constantly questioned as why I am not married. “Am I gay”? is a question I have had to deal with a lot. How I wish I was.
I have never had a girlfriend, I am so closed off & isolated emotionally to make something like this impossible. I would not wish someone like me off on anyone, especially someone I cared about. I am aware it is up to me to change, not looking to play the victim. “Real Men” never do.
I avoid any possible chances of intimacy & am so messed up inside emotionally. As a man you don’t have many options other than to suffer in silence. I spoke to a very close friend once & learned the hard way these things you just don’t talk about to male friends. Just bury it & never bring it up again I thought.
I have spoke with a therapist & she just thought I was so sweet & charming that nothing could possibly be wrong with me. I left with the impression of what I said not mattering or even listened to. It’s a struggle just to keep making myself go through the motions & actions of living a normal life without just ending it.
Men have endurance, only reason I am still here I suspect. My endurance is like a rock that’s slowly eroding away by the elements, it wont last forever & then that will be that, just another suicide statistic. This happens everyday to so many men it makes me sick. Male disposability in our society’s a *****.
The feelings of being alone, the bitterness, the betrayal it’s too much! Trapped! I’m trapped in this endless maelstrom of self loathing & doubt I am suffocating & just wish to escape, but there is no escape.
There’s only what happened that has such power over me & my life & I try to internalize all this & swallow that ohh so bitter pill of acceptance & move on with my life, until the next trigger action occurs & I have to deal with it all over again.
— Ray
Thanks for sharing this Ray. I am a 22 year old married female survivor of sexual trauma. Your story resonated with me particularly when you said you wouldn’t wish someone like you on someone else. This feeling is probably one of the most common traits among survivors of sex crimes. I’ve felt this way myself, and sometimes I still find myself in this dark place. I just wanted to tell you that everyone is worthy of real meaningful love and companionship should they desire it. It is the opinion of my in-laws that I am not worthy of a man as great as my husband – they don’t know that I’m “damaged” sexually and emotionally, nonetheless they think this way of me. But you know what? My husband chose me, my husband persued me, my husband believes I am worthy of his love and commitment. I began telling him the story of my multiple victimizations about six months into our relationship. Some might expect someone to get grossed out, or turned off. But not this man. He was angry and sad for me. He was upset that there was nothing he could do to undo what happened to me. Seeing the pain in his eyes was like seeing the same pain I have felt inside myself for so many years. And you know what? He continued to choose me. He continued to desire me and uplift me. The right person for you will do the same. The right person will be strong enough to say, “Lean on me, let’s do this together.” Don’t ever stop looking for the right therapist or shoulder to cry on. Don’t ever stop looking for help. Don’t ever stop bettering yourself. Your future wife is counting on you to find her one day. Best of luck.
Ray, I just wanted to reach out to you to let you know that while I can’t possibly understand what it feels like to be a male survivor, I do know that everything you are saying is valid and important. Your story is important. I hope that in time you are able to heal from this. I truly believe that healing is possible for all survivors and that each survivor has the ability to thrive. I wish that for you. I’m not sure you are aware, but there are some fantastic resources available for male survivors. Have you ever seen http://www.malesurvivor.org or 1in6.org? They may be helpful for you. I will continue to keep you in my thoughts. You are definitely not alone.