Married My Rapist

I watched the project on Netflix. I saw Joan Collins. She is the first person that I have heard of doing what I did. I was a virgin and had planned to remain a virgin until I was married. The guy I was dating knocked at my apartment door which opened into the bedroom. He fell on top of me, tore off my clothes, broke the zipper on my pants, and raped me. Like Joan, I decided that I must marry him because he took my virginity, but I hated him. We had 3 children and I divorced him. His second wife also divorced him. He died while living with his mom, all his possessions in a single box. He was a drug addict and alcoholic and died in his 40’s all alone. I have had male friends but could not be intimate with them and never re-married. I was raped at age 18, divorced at age 30, and am now 57 and still don’t trust men. I remember what I was wearing, where I bought it, and how much I paid for it. He continued to rape me throughout our marriage. I cringe when my children talk about how nice their dad was. I didn’t tell anyone until I was 30. After he died, I began having nightmares that he was in my room and getting in bed with me. I would think I was awake, maybe I was, but I couldn’t go to sleep after and cried all the time. I ended up seeing a psychiatrist and taking psychiatric drugs. I am still in therapy. After almost 40 years, I still don’t feel normal. My normal self did die. I wonder if he ever raped anyone else. I have a voice, but I still feel alone, sad, unworthy, and ashamed. It takes your dignity, your joy, your self-worth, and so much more. I may have survived, but I always wish to die.