I was married to who I thought was a good man. We were together for 8 years, and I knew that he had once had a drinking problem but had conquered it. He began drinking again shortly into our marriage and, unbeknownst to me also started a cocaine habit that would last 6 years.
His habit was to go out on the weekends and drink and then come home and pass out. At first, I went with him…afraid of him driving home drunk but after awhile I realized I was enabling the behavior and giving up my time and my life walking on eggshells around him. So I stopped driving him and it was his choice if he went out or not. He would come home drunk and try to make love but he stunk of whisky and half the time couldn’t perform and I would refuse because of the drunkenness.
Once, he came home very drunk and started trying to seduce me and I refused, but he got very angry and started holding me down and hurting me. He said disgusting things to me, said I never wanted him anymore but that I wasn’t going to turn him away that night. I tried to fight him off, but he was stronger than me and in the end I just let it happen.
This happened one other time as well, same way and we did end up divorcing after I went into Al-Anon for recovery to cope with living with an alcoholic.
The crazy thing is, at the time I did not think of it as rape. He was my husband, and in my mind that did not happen between spouses. As I went through recovery in Al-Anon, I slowly realized that he had violated me and I finally told my story and spoke the word….”rape.” It was the hardest thing I ever had to admit to myself….My husband raped me.
It was also the most freeing thing to admit. By acknowledging it, I was able to face it and deal with it.
Today I am re-married to a caring man who knows everything about me and loves me unconditionally. I still have moments where I flash back to those nights, but with my husband to support me I deal with how I feel and move on.
Thank you for letting me share my story. I hope it helps someone.
— Survivor, age 45