Memories

My life have been a real roller coaster ride that I wish would end but I’m starting to deal with the pain.

When I was about 3 or 4 I can remember my uncle sexually touching me and kissing me I don’t remember him penetrating me, though I can remember his disgusting pleasure of what he was doing and me not liking it just laying there. He did it to my older sister too but he stopped doing it to her but continued doing it to me my sister knew he was doing it to me too but never said anything.

After a few years when I was 8 my older cousin came to live with us he was bout 15. He use to be so fun to hang around and as a kid I loved to play around. Sometimes I would see him give me really sexual looks but never really thought of it that way until now. But after a few months of him living with us he started to hang with my older sister a lot and I would notice him touch her sometimes and I was becoming curious of what they were doing. One day I caught him forcing her to give him oral sex and when he saw me he smiled and ask if I wanted to do it instead. My sister who I don’t hate for making the decision she made since I didn’t know how long he has been making her do this, she told me to do it for her please and me loving her and trusting her did it. I hated it so much but I did it for her. Soon after that he would force me to give him a oral sex any chance he would get. One day he took it to the next level and tried to sodomized me when he saw it couldn’t fit and I was crying and saying “stop” he stopped. After many years we moved away and he moved too. No one knew of the abuse expect my sister who never talked about it.

Soon after when I was about 12 one of my other uncles came to stay the night. I knew him for a while I was so close to him I never would guess that he would ever do something bad to me. He use to give me money and buy me everything he would also buy for his kids. My other siblings would be so jealous and I would be so happy. But that night i started to look at him differently. That night he asked if I wanted to sleep near him, he was my favorite uncle so I thought why not? My mom slept next to us too but he was in the middle and my mom was on the other side. When I was sleeping I felt someone’s hands moving down my thighs I thought it was my mom and just ignored it. Soon the hand started moving up to my private part and I got up and looked and it was my uncle. He was shocked to see my reaction pretending like he didn’t know why I was so jumpy. I got up and went to the bathroom I started to cry. It was so painful it was like everything came pouring down why is this always happening to me. When I came out the bathroom I took a separate sheet and wrapped around me and tried to stay far from him as possible on the bed.

Those three events shaped my life now. I am rebellious, I drink any chance I get and have a bad relationship with my mom cause I blame her that night when he touched me cause when I got out that bathroom and she heard me crying she didn’t ask why or anything she was just on her phone she didn’t even ask why I jumped so quick from the bed it was liked she just ignored me. As well as my sister I dont blame her for the choice she made but twice in a row she could have helped and told someone about what was happening but she took the easy way out both times and let me suffer with the pain. it’s hard for me to trust anyone now and will take a while for me to start trusting people again. I’m getting therapy now and trying to better up my life. I still haven’t told anyone of the abuses. Me and my sister are now trying to work things out but she never once talk about what happened. I feel sympathy towards her since I see how the abuse affected me and I don’t know how it affected her so I leave it be and never say anything about it.