Your home detention bracelet is now a permanent pain to my nerves because you maliciously put this around my ankle. You stole my car, you had access to my home, I was sodmized, raped and abused like an animal. It didn’t mean anything to you because you needed it more than I did. You ate my food, you spent my well earned money, I hadn’t been to work for over 3 days, you used my personal mobile phone and my work phone, you abused my work laptop for all your pornography & malicious deals. You laughed and scorned me. I was mistreated, I was naked, you abused me like a helpless rag doll. You thought you loved me, you thought you were protecting me, even your lustful eyes quenched my spirit, held in the hands of something incomprehensible, your fingers fondled my purity, you took my virginity, my innocence and my integrity, my cries were not heard as you covered my mouth with your hands, countless times hidden away only meters from my ho me, I was hungry but you did not feed me, I was thirsty and you urinated on me, I needed to be comforted but even your hands and its venom could not contaminate me, my vulnerability was your feast, you don’t know how damaging it is to see you again, you don’t know how I cringe inside screaming for help every time you are near me, you don’t see my broken spirit crushed and hurt, you don’t know that I am gripped with fear, you bring the coldness when you are near me, I cannot breathe when you are near me, you don’t know how my emotions are filled with anxieties when you look at me, the sorrow in your heart when you see me just to say you are sorry. I hate you more when you are near me. Even the broken places in me are not fully restored, how many times did you take advantage of me? Do you know how many times you violated me? Your finger’s ripple across my body. A temple of the holy spirit delicately designed in God’s image. Today I break my silence.
Was it the sound of my voice that captivated you? The gift of singing intrigue you? Was it my shiny long hair you had to touch, even the natural scent of my hair you had to smell, even the joy of my heart echoes in the wind in silence when you pulled me into the darkest places, my tears became your song, my fear was your feast, my innocence you uncovered to take for your pleasure. Tossed around like a helpless rag doll in my effort to escape from your invisible traps, even the tallest trees witnessed my nakedness, and the blood that saturated the green pastures seeped my body to keep me warm, dragged from one area to the next, when was it ever going to end? How many of your foes took advantage of me? Are you finished yet I thought, am I dead yet I asked God? Even though you covered my mouth saying ‘it’s just our little secret’. Even when I stumbled in the morning dusk upon the balcony, lethargic, without a drop of energy to survive, without a drop of energy to knock on the door. Her tender fainted heartbeat become the only song she could hear, traumatized, without movement, how long was I unconscious for? Heaven knows! The morning sunrise clothed me in a blanket of hope, caressing me with a soft lullaby of bluebirds sweetly singing, a message of hope erased the clouds from my mind, my heart regaining every strength to breathe is the life my heavenly Father gave me, every essence of my being for Him, my existence for Him, my purpose in the one who created me.
Regaining the compass of my being, I overcame trauma. You never knew I became an alcoholic, you never knew how it became my drug, you could never earn an honest day’s wage, you made money off me, you terrorize me, even the cold energy around me reminds me what you did to me, drunk again another black out, raped again for your pleasure, even your fingers lured my innocence, combed with lasciviousness, ill-treated for your pleasure, how much is your sanity worth?
Every time you got out of prison I was the first one on your list. You are my horror story, endless screaming nights, why didn’t anyone come and help me? I was your feast on your list. Even though I cried and said I was hungry, it didn’t mean anything to you I was late for school and needed my uniform, it didn’t mean anything to you, I bled because of the stress you constantly put me through, shaking with trauma trying to walk away after days of being violated, did you not care how you mistreated me, do you realise how sick you are? Today I break my silence.
Traumatised blackouts, constant taking and stripping away my purity, when was it ever going to end? Even the blood that stained my clothes could not measure the screams of obscurity that fainted in the night, the covering of the blanket that you hid over me to satisfy your ego, burned your desire into a deep level of incomprehensibility, your senseless hand covered my mouth as you plowed away into my inner parts of my being. You taught me how to hate men, I hate the way men look at me, I hate why I was always followed, I hate looking over my shoulder full of fear that I was being followed. I hate being pretty and dressed in the best, even makeup could not disguise the pain and hurt I tried to cover, your pornography was your addiction and the drugs that soiled with it, I was your barbie doll fantasy.
When my teacher came to class another Monday morning, he discovered I was asleep on the cushions in the library corner. I must have read every book that whole weekend. I loved the pictures and the happy stories and cried countless times that one day I want to have a happy family with new clothes and food. I hadn’t eaten much that weekend but I had enough for the weekend. My class was the safest place for me, my safe haven. I just didn’t understand why the police would let bad people out of jail. It didn’t make sense to me.
My problem didn’t start suddenly. It had existed over 40 years of my life. A joy to her mother’s soul, full-of-life, strength and beauty. No-one knew the personal war going on inside of me. It tainted my life. Not a lot of people knew how many times I cheated death. A hole in my heart, one lung, chronic asthma. I am so thankful to my donor, who became my first husband ~ how I love you so much. Despite all that has divided us, you are always with me.
I remembered my rapist’s birthday in August, I secretly wished it would be your last, erasing and eliminating you out of my subconscious was safer then to be groomed by you again. Life beyond abuse surmounts the agonizing tears of emptiness. I vowed not to grow my hair longer than 2 inches. What did you get for your birthday gift?
My prayer today is that I declare and decree to live, not just survive. I choose to recover, not to be abused. Today I renounce every stronghold and demonic lie that has tried to rob, kill and destroy families. If you believe that you have overcome him by the Word of your testimony and by the blood of the lamb. Speak life today. I speak life over my children and our children’s children. I choose to stand in the gap for my family no matter the weight. Most of all, I choose to forgive all those who have physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually violated us, because as far is the east, is from the west that’s how far He has removed our transgressions from us.
I’ve turned off the reoccurring memories, I’ve turned off the traumatic images, I’ve turned off every nightmare that became a vivid dream to me. I’ve turned off daytime flashbacks that caused me to drift. I no longer suffer in silence, I’ve turned off every moment that dominated me and I’ve turned off every moment that controlled me. I renounce and rebuke every lie that has tried to condemn me, every unhealthy soul tie, every false image that has taken revenge in my thoughts, and every toxic lie of anger, guilt and deceit. I turn off the images of constantly running away, because today I’m here to face it. No weapon that is formed against me shall prosper, because my mess has become a MESSAGE.
I turn off manic panic attack and every anxiety. I renounce every type of fear, depression and emotional ailment, I rebuke every betrayal and distrust, I renounce every addiction of alcohol, illicit drug, demonic and unclean activity be broken in the name of Christ Jesus.
I petition in prayer the restoration of every transmitter in our minds to be fully recovered and restored, I renounce every deceptive toxic occult that has tried to divide families. I rebuke every defilement of sexual assault, harassment, blame, jealous accusation and every suicidal spirit on assignment, every spirit of condemnation I cast into the lake of forgetfulness.
I pray for all the little children over the globe this Christmas. For the love of Christ, His joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. I ask for your provision and abundance heavenly Father, thank you daily for God’s armour. I pray for unity, wisdom, grace and mercy. Thank you in the name of Jesus that a mess is turned into a MESSAGE and it is done, AMEN!