In the military you learn to trust your brother and sisters in arms with your life and you do not expect to be raped by one of your brothers in arms.
I remember a blue van it was one of those that would seat 4, I want to say like it has 4 captain seats and behind that a bed and only remember the 2 side windows and none in the back.
Being raised a die hard old fashion Catholic girl I have always found it difficult to go against my religion and in to this day if my family ever knew what happened they would have just died. I sinned that night I went against my catholic beliefs, will I go to hell – no I have prayed over the years so many times seeking forgiveness. I know my soul has received the forgiveness but my mind has always passed judgment on me for that night.
The questions I have asked myself over they years what did I do to encourage my behavior or his, what could I have done differently that night and why did I not file a police report? I was always taught that hindsight is better than foresight. Fear that he would have told everyone I way telling a lie and I was agreeable, disgrace to myself and my family if this ever became known, I must do what is right and forget about it , it never happened it will never happen again.
So much of the night is a blur, I can remember I walked to the NCO club that night then dancing and drinking it seems now and eternity but yet yesterday that this all happened. Why did I agree to get into his van and let him drive me back to the barracks? I’ve questioned myself did I dance inappropriately did I unknowingly suggest that I wanted my virginity taken away by him? Why? I was raised in a very devout catholic family, this can’t be known to my family I will go to hell this was my fault. I should not have drank that night I should not have taken him up on his offer to give me a ride back to the barracks it is all my fault.
He helped me into the van and not really focused that it was the back of the van and I remember him telling me to lie down, he drove somewhere, I thought it was my barracks parking lot. I remember him coming to the back where I was at I had been drifting in and out of sleep. I remember his pants undone and wondering how and why my pants were off and blouse undone. I can’t remember any conversations except for telling him it hurts stop and it seemed like an eternity went by but I drifted off again and then hearing him say something about blood. I think that is when I jumped out of the van and ran and stumbled my way back to the barracks.
I must of sobered up pretty quick I showered scrubbing every bit of my body taking a scrub brush to me, threw mu clothes in a bag took them to the dumpster, had to wash again since I touched the clothes. I am going to hell, I just know God will not forgive me some how some way this is my fault . Oh dear sweet Jesus I have to face him at work every day this can’t be happening to me, I know I will call my parents they will know what to do. Reality sinks in I can’t I will be a disgrace to the family, we can’t have anymore tarnish to the name, I can’t be a disappointment to them.
I have to go to work how will I face him, who did he tell this is not right, God give me the strength to face him in the morning, I have to go to church I need to go to confession I need to be forgiven of my sins. I was 22 when this happened I just turned 60, I have never spoken of this night until today.
I’m so sorry this happened to you, but none of what happened was your fault. No matter what you are a strong woman.
I read a lot of stories and I listen to a lot of disclosures and I just want you to know that your story moved me beyond words. I’ve read it several times making sure I honor every single word you wrote. So many of your questions will resonate with anyone who reads your post. I want you to know that there is nothing you did to cause this. It doesn’t matter how you danced, what you drank, what you wore… you are in no way responsible for being raped. There is nothing you could have done to stop this. He made a decision to harm you and only he is responsible for it. Did you know that fewer than 40% of rape survivors ever tell the police? You acted the same way the vast majority of us act, which is to say, you are completely normal. I am so grateful you chose to share your story here. I hope it helps you find some peace. Sometimes the most helpful thing is putting words to our experiences. We may not know one another, but know that you never have to carry this alone again. You are beyond brave. I am sending you light, love, and solidarity wherever you may be.