In the military you learn to trust your brother and sisters in arms with your life and you do not expect to be raped by one of your brothers in arms.
I remember a blue van it was one of those that would seat 4, I want to say like it has 4 captain seats and behind that a bed and only remember the 2 side windows and none in the back.
Being raised a die hard old fashion Catholic girl I have always found it difficult to go against my religion and in to this day if my family ever knew what happened they would have just died. I sinned that night I went against my catholic beliefs, will I go to hell – no I have prayed over the years so many times seeking forgiveness. I know my soul has received the forgiveness but my mind has always passed judgment on me for that night.
The questions I have asked myself over they years what did I do to encourage my behavior or his, what could I have done differently that night and why did I not file a police report? I was always taught that hindsight is better than foresight. Fear that he would have told everyone I way telling a lie and I was agreeable, disgrace to myself and my family if this ever became known, I must do what is right and forget about it , it never happened it will never happen again.
So much of the night is a blur, I can remember I walked to the NCO club that night then dancing and drinking it seems now and eternity but yet yesterday that this all happened. Why did I agree to get into his van and let him drive me back to the barracks? I’ve questioned myself did I dance inappropriately did I unknowingly suggest that I wanted my virginity taken away by him? Why? I was raised in a very devout catholic family, this can’t be known to my family I will go to hell this was my fault. I should not have drank that night I should not have taken him up on his offer to give me a ride back to the barracks it is all my fault.
He helped me into the van and not really focused that it was the back of the van and I remember him telling me to lie down, he drove somewhere, I thought it was my barracks parking lot. I remember him coming to the back where I was at I had been drifting in and out of sleep. I remember his pants undone and wondering how and why my pants were off and blouse undone. I can’t remember any conversations except for telling him it hurts stop and it seemed like an eternity went by but I drifted off again and then hearing him say something about blood. I think that is when I jumped out of the van and ran and stumbled my way back to the barracks.
I must of sobered up pretty quick I showered scrubbing every bit of my body taking a scrub brush to me, threw mu clothes in a bag took them to the dumpster, had to wash again since I touched the clothes. I am going to hell, I just know God will not forgive me some how some way this is my fault . Oh dear sweet Jesus I have to face him at work every day this can’t be happening to me, I know I will call my parents they will know what to do. Reality sinks in I can’t I will be a disgrace to the family, we can’t have anymore tarnish to the name, I can’t be a disappointment to them.
I have to go to work how will I face him, who did he tell this is not right, God give me the strength to face him in the morning, I have to go to church I need to go to confession I need to be forgiven of my sins. I was 22 when this happened I just turned 60, I have never spoken of this night until today.