Mine Was Different

It’s still difficult for me to say I was raped. I only said it out loud for the first time a few years ago. I still wasn’t sure if that was the correct term. I wasn’t forcefully taken or physically abused. I never considered it that. I never really talked about it until this guy came along. I was a fat child. I had girl’s and boy’s that were friends but never a boyfriend. I wasn’t the girl the guys wanted. I never had a boyfriend ever. I kissed a boy ie peck on the lips for the first time at 13. My friends all had boyfriends and dates. I was jealous. I finally met this guy that showed interest. He was 19. At the time it never seemed weird that me that my new friends were older and different than my old ones. He flirted with me told me I was beautiful. He said the boys in my class were dumb. I cried my little tears of not being accepted and the listened. He asked me if I’d ever had sex before. Which let me br eak it down I barely knew what sex was my sex talk was literally don’t do it till your married or you’re going to hell. I had an idea of what it was about but wasn’t entirely sure. I told him no. He started buying me cigarettes and alcohol for a couple weeks. My 14th birthday in 1997 came around and gave me a bottle of St. Ides. He’s encouraged me to drink it. I was a light weight so it didn’t take much. He’s says have you ever seen a porno?
Again I didn’t know what that was. I’d never seen a man’s penis before it scared the shit out of me. He sat next to me and pulled my pants down. Then he went down on me and I literally froze I couldn’t move or speak or anything. I was terrified. No one had ever seen that area except my parents. He did that for a second and jumped up. I saw that look and it scared me. It didn’t matter what my response was that was happening. It hurt. He didn’t even use a condom. He just pulled out on my shirt. He threw me a towel and said wow that was awesome virgins are the best. I didn’t know what to do. I knew I didn’t enjoy it. I knew I screamed no in my head the whole time. I went home showered and cried. I talked to my friends at school and told them. I said it was strange and hurt. She’s like oh that’s normal it’s like that for everyone. I was very very naive then so I just went with it. Turned out the dude told everybody I put out and the offers came rolling in for dudes. A year later his friend broke into my house in the middle of the night and held me down and took it. He told me I was amazing. He’s like every girl has that fantasy and yours is filled say ty. I started doing drugs because I was hurting I thought there was something wrong with me because I didn’t enjoy sex. A few years later I started dating a really nice guy. We had sex and it was different for the first time ever. Then I thought those guys took advantage of me it still wasn’t they raped me in my head. My relationship still didn’t last the guy was sweet and gentle but I still didn’t like sex. I thought there was something wrong with me physically. I decided I was done with sex. I was abstinent for 2 years. It still didn’t work. I still had issues. I felt dirty about sex. In April 2007 the love of my life came into it. He was abused when he was a teenager as well. His story was similar to mine but his was a male family member. He’d never told anyone about it. Well two extremely damaged people are usually not a good idea together. At first we weren’t we loved each other completely but our love wasn’t healthy. I got pregnant, we had a baby boy, and still we kept hurting each other. My guy started having nightmares and sleep crying. I knew what something was wrong but not what. He finally spilled he said he hadn’t thought of it in years. He said at first it was like he pretended it happened to someone else and eventually he blocked it. He didn’t go to counseling and didn’t want to discuss it anymore. Cycle of damages continued. We hurt each other repeatedly. In 2013 we started talking about our virginitys and who we lost them to. I told him my story and he was enraged. He’s like that dude groomed you to rape you. I’m like no he was just a douch bag. He’s like no baby I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for what he did to you and I know this hurts you but he raped you. I cried like I did the day it happened. He broke it down like it was and all the pain I had numbed just broke free. I wish I could say that we had learned better but no. Saw a therapist but couldn’t talk to them about it. We still didn’t heal we’d both acknowledged that we were abused but hadn’t actually gotten any help dealing with it. Our cycle of hurting each other went on .His father got sick in 2014 it was terminal. He told us both to love each other and forgive each other. He said he wished he’d had someone who loved him as much as we loved each other. We did therapy and it was hard really hard. At first we tried to go separate b ut we’d bs around each other. Them finally we went together and it was the best choice we ever made. We couldn’t lie or play down what happened because we each knew each others stories and it was safer because we had each other. That was 2 years ago and life is better. We’re better our relationship is better. We still have issues with things. We’re still healing. This is the first time I’ve shared this with anyone else. It’s easier to say I was raped. Rape isn’t always forceful it’s not always like on TV. Intimidation is a strong tool too.

— Survivor, age 33