It’s starting to get hard to remember, but I’ll do my best to piece the story together.
When I was young, maybe 6-8, I was very close with my second cousin who is two years younger.
We would go up to his room, and I remember always being impressed because he had a TV in his room, so we would always go up there and watch tv with the door closed. Every chance he could get, he would quickly move across the couch to me and simultaneously force me to kiss him tongue and all, while groping/rubbing anything he could get his hands on (and for as long as he could).
This became a weekly thing, and though I knew it wasn’t quite right I accepted it and allowed it to happen because I started to mind less and less, and almost enjoy it more and more.
Every visit we made an agenda of what we’d do, and because his mom would see the list we made up what we were doing with a pretend made up “game” called foxtoe. During that time we’d “make out” and watch porn and he’d touch me.
Now looking back I’m realizing how perverted this all was, and I’m also realizing it’s gradual affect on me and my actions with partners I’ve had. I am mortified by the messed up things I partook in, but I didn’t know just how bad it really was.
Did I molest him because I’m older, or did he molest me because he initiated it?
I feel disgusted by myself and also him, and I don’t think I can forgive and forget what he turned me into for a while there.
I also know this isn’t the worst thing that could happen to someone, and I feel silly talking here because so much worse has happened to some people here… but these events have had drastic effects on my psyche.
(Note – we are friends today and we don’t speak of this anymore. The last incident was 4 years ago.)
— Survivor, age 17
Forgive yourself and let it go.
Hi, I am very sorry that this happened.
He molested you, regardless of age. Regardless of gender or age, bad touching is bad touching. I can relate because I was abused by my babysitter who was also female and pretty close in age to me, I always had feelings of guilt and doubt. I still do.
Hang in there, my friend. Things get better.
Hmmm…. well that’s a first for me…. Really, it sounds like sexual curiousity on both your part. If you were 6-8 when it started and he was two years younger, then where did he get his knowledge? I think I’d be concerned as to what happened to your cousin sexually at that time. Doing that activity isn’t normal for a 4-5 year old. Technically, since you’re older, and you were both children, it would be you molested him. Even though he DID initiate it, he was too young to understand it. You confessed you knew something was off. That’s the legality perspective. My thoughts are you were both acting on your curiousity. I’m glad that’s over now and you’re both friends. I do hope that the both of you will seek therapy.
Ok a few things – first, it doesn’t matter who was older. No one can touch you without your consent. Period. It’s never ok. I’m not a professional and it may have felt like you were deciding to “partake” – but I’m not actually sure that’s what was happening. I would strongly encourage you to talk to a therapist who can help you work through these feelings. What happened was not your fault and if it’s impacting your life now, you deserve to work through everything you’re feeling and be able to move forward.
Second – “it’s not the worst thing that could happen to someone” – it’s not a contest. Your feelings are valid and real and you deserve to heal. And you sharing your story here is important. There are so many different stories and you never know who reading might be able to relate to yours. Love, Alexis