It’s starting to get hard to remember, but I’ll do my best to piece the story together.
When I was young, maybe 6-8, I was very close with my second cousin who is two years younger.
We would go up to his room, and I remember always being impressed because he had a TV in his room, so we would always go up there and watch tv with the door closed. Every chance he could get, he would quickly move across the couch to me and simultaneously force me to kiss him tongue and all, while groping/rubbing anything he could get his hands on (and for as long as he could).
This became a weekly thing, and though I knew it wasn’t quite right I accepted it and allowed it to happen because I started to mind less and less, and almost enjoy it more and more.
Every visit we made an agenda of what we’d do, and because his mom would see the list we made up what we were doing with a pretend made up “game” called foxtoe. During that time we’d “make out” and watch porn and he’d touch me.
Now looking back I’m realizing how perverted this all was, and I’m also realizing it’s gradual affect on me and my actions with partners I’ve had. I am mortified by the messed up things I partook in, but I didn’t know just how bad it really was.
Did I molest him because I’m older, or did he molest me because he initiated it?
I feel disgusted by myself and also him, and I don’t think I can forgive and forget what he turned me into for a while there.
I also know this isn’t the worst thing that could happen to someone, and I feel silly talking here because so much worse has happened to some people here… but these events have had drastic effects on my psyche.
(Note – we are friends today and we don’t speak of this anymore. The last incident was 4 years ago.)
— Survivor, age 17