Multiple Times

I have been raped more than once. And unfortunately, some people start blaming the victim after the first time it happens. And unfortunately I rarely talk about this because it takes a piece of me every time I talk about what has happened.

The first time I was raped, I was a junior in high school. I went to a party wth my best friend. I was a little tipsy but was not drunk but everyone else was. I went in a room at the house the party was at and went to bed. But I woke up to a guy trying to pull down my yoga pants. I told him to stop and he listened. I started to doze off and I felt pressure on my back. He was on top of me as I was laying on my stomach. I told him to leave me alone and he pulled down my pants. He pushed himself into me from behind. I froze, I quit fighting after I realized what was happening. He got off of me and I went to the bathroom. I sat in there and stared at the wall until the sun came up. When my friend and I left, she asked me if I was ok. I told her yes and asked her why. She told me that another guy at the party told her that he heard me yelling at the guy to stop over and over again. Why wouldn’t he help me..? The guy who raped me for my number and texted me the next day saying he had fun. I told him that I didn’t want that to happen and that I told him to stop. His response: “sorry I was drunk”.

I ended up using and abusing alcohol and drugs. Me, a popular girl, a “jock” I guess you could say, ended up with an addiction problem that started at 16 years old after I was raped.

The second time I was raped, I was 17 years old. I had decided that after 17 years of not know my biological father, that I was going to find him. I felt that something was missing in my life, and at times felt that I didn’t fit in fully with my family I grew up with. I found him and things were great; he became my best friend. He was the first person I told I was raped. He cried and told me he was sorry for what happened and sorry for not being in my life. After hanging out a few more times, he started making me feel uncomfortable. At first it was just the hand graze across my back, then it was touching my butt, and it progressed. One night when I had stayed the night, I was outside smoking a cigarette. He came up behind me while his wife was sleeping. Touched my waist and whispered in my ear that I was sexy and that he wanted to have sex with me. I don’t know why, and I don’t understand what happened to me, but at that very moment I didn’t say a word. Didn’t talk, didn’t move, nothing. He rubbed his hands all over me and pulled down my pants. I heard him unzip his pants and I felt my stomach drop. He pushed himself into me, once I really realized that what was happening wasn’t ok, I started crying and told him that it wasn’t right. He told me that he was just showing me that he loved me and missed me for 17 years. He was in his 40s and married, I was 17.

The third time I was raped, I was 19 years old. I was heavy into my addiction at the time. I went to a guys house and he lied to me about what he had given me. This is why drugs are so dangerous.. I felt like I couldn’t move, I was in and out of consciousness. All of a sudden I was on a bed in a basement bedroom. He got on top of me and took my pants off, stuck himself in me, and bit me, all over my upper body. I was so scared because my body felt like a noodle while he was hurting me. When it was done I was told to leave and my pants and shirt were thrown at me. his parents were upstairs.

When I was first raped, I blamed him. The guy that crawled into the bed I was in, got on top of me, and took my self worth. After I was raped again, I began questioning myself; thinking “am I putting myself in this position?” “Did I do something to lead him on?” And after the third time, I began blaming myself. Telling myself that I must act like a slut for this to jeep happening. That I’m asking for it or that I secretly want it. And there is so much more that I blamed myself for. But one day, I realized that I didn’t do anything wrong, they did. Do I still doubt myself and think about the “if I had done this, or maybe if I hadn’t done that”? Absolutely. Are the memories from these horrible things still coming into my head and ruining my days? Definitely. It’s something I struggle with every single day.

I want you all to know that you’re not alone. I was not asking to be raped, but I do feel ok with the fact that it happened to me, because It didn’t happen to another girl because of it.
Don’t feel worthless, feel grateful that you’re still here because you’re strong and you made it through the trauma you’ve experienced.

— Taylor, age 21