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My 21st Birthday

I’ve never told anyone this story before, mostly because I know too much time has passed between what happened and now and know one will believe me. One of my best friends is still good friends with my rapist. Furthermore, I know that they will not believe me because many years before when I was 19, I had a former teacher. A man who I trusted, gets me so high of weed and try to take advantage of me. Lucky in that situation, I still had enough of my wits that I was able to deflect him. When he pinned me down and began pulling down my trousers. I started to crying about a former boyfriend and how I wasn’t ready for intimacy. So, he left me alone. I thank god every minute to this day that I thought so quickly despite everything.

When I told my friends about it none of them believed me. I remember I met up with them in a pub that night and was so shocked by what happened, that I couldn’t say a word. Later I confided in a few of them and they told me I was lying. I haven’t spoken to them since.

When I was 21, I wasn’t so lucky. I was going out with a boyfriend who I had previously been unwilling to have sexual intercourse with. We were three months in and I wasn’t ready yet. I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to carry on our relationship. I broke up with him less than two weeks after that night.

We had been drinking, heavily, in my house along with a party of friends and later when I went to bed, he followed me up. All I remember is me being completely striped of my clothes and lying there saying no, not really able to move because of the drink. I distinctly remember him unwrapping a condom and me saying again, “No, not tonight. I’m tired. I don’t want to”. Him them spreading my legs and forcing his way into me. I couldn’t move. My whole body froze up and as he raped me. I shook my head from side to side, the world spinning around me from the drink and my inability to comprehend what was happening. I thought that I was going to get sick the whole time.

The next day, I woke up to him lying beside me. I had a shower and went on as though nothing had happened. I just shoved it all down and pretended to myself that I must have said yes or gone along with it. I didn’t want to think that it had happened to me. Sure, no one believed me the first time. I knew they wouldn’t believe me now. Although he for some reason invites me to parties (maybe he doesn’t think what he did was wrong), I always refuse. I blocked him on Facebook and my best friend (his mutual acquaintance) asked me why and I couldn’t bring myself to say.

Thank you for listening.

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