I “celebrated” my 21st birthday with 3 of my cousins. At first it was fun. I was sober enough to know what I was doing. They told me they wanted to take me out that Friday night so we did. Btw, I was hanging with 2 of my girl cousins and 1 boy cousin. They’re all over the age of 28. They told me that they would take care of me. And that I should have fun and experience getting drunk. I believed them and trusted them. Apparently, I thought wrong.
We went to 3 bars and by the last bar, the last thing I remember was waiting for our Lyft driver on the sidewalk. I don’t remember going back to the apartment. I don’t remember how my guy cousin got ahold of me in his room. Everything is so fuzzy. But I do faintly remember him on top of me. He kept telling me, “shhh” and covered my mouth so my other 2 girl cousins couldn’t hear. I was confused and scared and I couldn’t think for myself. I was too weak to push him off me. I know I wouldn’t agree to having sex WITH MY COUSIN. So I know he took advantage of me. And my soul is literally broken. Every time I close my eyes, I just remember the trauma. And it’s only been 2 days since the incident. I was scared of him when I woke up. I was laying there fully naked, not knowing anything. I felt disgusted with myself and felt that it was my fault. I felt guilty that I drank so much I blacked out. I’m scared to confront him or I don’t even know if I should. Please give me advice on what I should do. I’m scared and I’m afraid to tell anyone else especially my family because I’m embarrassed that I even let this happen.
It seems like everything is such a blur right now. I came back home to NM, and I don’t even remember the drive because I kept spacing out. I can’t concentrate and when someone barely touches me, I flinch & shrug them off. Idk what to do. I’m broken and my silence is way too loud.