I was in a relationship with a guy from 2 days before my 14th birthday to 4 month before my 15th birthday. All together we were together for a total of 8 months. In that time, I was constantly being hit and whenever he would get high, he would use my body as his sex toy. It started with forcing kisses then it escalated to touching my breasts and eventually forcing his hands between my legs. I would tell him no and stop but he would keep going. Keep putting pressure on certain areas. It got to the point where I lost my period for 3 months and I thought I was pregnant. I was terrified. Sometimes I would get high just to numb the feelings I was having and I started cutting. Drugs and self harm became my release. He would always say things like, “Don’t act like you don’t like it.” Or, “Don’t act like you aren’t impressed.” Believe me, I didn’t like it and I wasn’t impressed. The most scary part was being slammed up against a wall and held there. I still have flashbacks and there are days when I swear I can still feel his hands on my legs and on my body. I don’t let guys touch me unless I trust them completely. I wouldn’t even let my own cousin touch me for a long time. I want other girls to know they are not alone. I’m only 16 and this has happened to me. I still have nightmares about being raped. I don’t know if you would count this as rape or sexual assault. My mom and dad dont know this happened to me. I dont want to disappoint them. Thanks for letting me share my story.
— Savanna, age 16
I went through the same exact thing, I know how you feel. I am now 17 but this happened to me when i was 16. Even I don’t know how to label it but I don’t think it matters, we should be glad we are no longer with them. Be strong. 🙂
Dear Savanna,
You are so brave for sharing your story. Sometimes just putting it into words and feeling heard can help so much. Your experiences with flashbacks and nightmares and with feeling like his hands are still on you are common among trauma survivors. There are services available that can help you to deal with this. If you are interested, please respond back to this message and I will help you to find them. At the end of the day, you are the only person who has the right and the control to label and define your experience as rape or sexual assault. However, if it is helpful, the basic definition of rape is penetration of any part of the body by coercion or force. I just want you to know that you did nothing wrong and that you did nothing to disappoint anyone. Your ex-boyfriend hurt you and you are not to blame. Light and love to you, Alissa