My Best Friend

He was one of my closest friends and when it happened I was 17 years old and he was 18. I trusted him so much and even my family liked him around, because he became like family. We’d always go on my trampoline and talk for hours. Sometimes I let him come in my room and watch TV and we’d talk about any and everything, but I never let him on my bed. One day he tried to kiss me while we were just chilling and I told him we were just friends. After that I stopped talking to him for a while. I got a boyfriend and lost my virginity to him, and even after 5 years I am still with him. But a year after I dismissed my friend out of my life he texts me and tells me he wished he didn’t ruin our friendship. I reassured him telling him I over exaggerated and I shouldn’t have made him leave my life over some stupid kiss. He told me he wanted to come over just to talk. It was really late so I told him no. Then he explained how he wanted to say sorry in person and gave me a whole bunch of bs just to come over. I Agreed he could come and talk for a little bit. Everyone was sleep in my house. He came over, and he began apologizing. I sat on my bed to listen, and he sat next to me. I didn’t feel comfortable about it but I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. After about 15 minutes he stopped talking, and looked me in my eyes, and told me I was beautiful. I scooted back a little and said thank you. He leaned closer to me and grabbed my waist pulling me closer. I remember realizing how much bigger he was than me. My mind went blank and I didn’t know what to do. He started sliding his hand down my pants and I grabbed his hand and told him I don’t want to do this. He said to me he loved me and my boyfriend could never take care of me. I looked at him and I became so scared I couldn’t speak. He grabbed my face and started kissing me very roughly. I grabbed his hands and tried to pull them off my face. When I did that he pushed me on the bed. I didn’t want to get in trouble by my parents so I quietly told him, “I don’t want to, please I don’t want to.” He put his hand down my pants and started fingering me. He pulled my pants down and I got up. But he pushed me back down and forced his body between my legs. He took a condom out of his shorts and I begged him to stop. He pulled down his pants and put it on. I told him to stop over and over. I didn’t cry though I didn’t want him to have that satisfaction. When he put it in, it hurt like nothing else. I told him he’s hurting me and he kept going. Then he laid his body on me still thrusting inside me, that is when I began to cry. The tears ran down my face and he looked at me and asked me what’s wrong and kissed me. I told him to please stop. Then he put me on top of him. I tried to get up then he forced my arms on his chest and said I’m not finished. He told me to keep going. I didn’t move and the tears just ran down my face. He then got up and kissed my forehead. He put me back on my back and kept going some more. I told him it hurts please stop it hurts. He kept going and said I’m not finished. I looked at him in the eyes and said please. He then got off of me and laid on my bed. He grabbed my waist to pull me close to him so I could lay on his chest. I cried some more while he slept. After a little while I told him to get up. He woke up put his close on. I told him I won’t tell anyone. He grabbed my face and french kissed me and left. I still haven’t told anyone about what he did to me not even my boyfriend of 5 years who is laying next to me sleep while I type this. I want to tell him so bad but I’m scared he won’t look at me the same. He thinks he’s the only one I’ve ever been with and it makes me sad that he doesn’t know the truth. I hear now the guy goes in and out of jail for small misdemeanors and he’s making bad life decisions. I sometimes see him in public and I try not make him think I noticed him but I can feel him staring at me. My boyfriend knows him as an acquaintance and always asks why he is always at me every time we see him. I don’t know what to do.