My Brother, My Rapist

I was 3 years old when my brother raped me, he had 14 years old. Many times I asking myself why I had to remember all the details: my feels, my pain, his smell, the sounds.. all. Could be more easy if I just grow up without this memories, unfortunately I remember all. My mother and my father were the only person who knew about that, “what they did?”, they didn’t do anything. My dad took my brother to the church and a priest talked with him,is all. Maybe my parents thought that I will not remember nothing about this, they didn’t take me to the police station, or therapy, nothing. I was shy, I was always alone on the school, my family thought that was normal. When I was a teenager I noticed that I was afraid of all the boys, I preferred to talk just with girls, so my few friends were just girls, I was afraid to talk with the guys. My rapist lived with us in the same house of course, he was my brother. I didn’t like to talk with him, I knew he did something wrong with me, but I had just memories, I was sure my memories were reals, I knew were not dreams. When I was 16, my rapist get married and I felt better only to knew that he’ll left the house. So I knew I’ll feel “protected” on my home by first time, but the truth is that he went every day with his wife to our home, that made me feel bad. I cried every single day on my room. I didn’t want nobody to notice that I cried, so I closed my door to be alone since I was a teenager. When I knew he’ll have a baby, I was 17 and I knew in that moment that he could rape his own baby I was totally down, more worried. I never talked with anybody about that, in that moment I didn’t know that my mom and dad knew that he raped. After few months, his baby was born. It was a baby boy. I didn’t know what to do. One day I just told to my mom that I knew what happen to me. I told her that my brother raped me and I was expecting love, a hug, support, and the only thing she did was cried and she felt like the victim, she told me that was not her fault so I can not blame her and she cried like the victim. She didn’t hug me, she didn’t support me. If my parents don’t do that, if don’t protect me, then who will??? She didn’t talk more about that after that about that situation. Of course I felt alone, very alone. I felt a garbage, dirty, less than nothing. I wanted to dont feel this hell in life, I wanted to die, but I wasn’t brave enough to commit suicide. One day I was on my room because my brother/rapist was on our house and my mom was on the backyard. He knocked my door and said “come out, I will not rape you again. You are not as hot as you was”. That words were enough to dont want to live, I cried like a baby. His words made me take my dad’s gun and I prayed to GOD to give me courage to suicide. Every place could be better than this hell. GOD heard me, GOD gave me the courage to put that gun away. I left my mom’s house. I preferred to leave that hell behind me and live, than stay and die. I missed my family for months. I didn’t know nothing about them, but it was the best decision I made. My friends were the ONLY who helped me and gave me food, blankets, water, clothes. I understood that GOD was in all the hands who helped me, that we don’t chose our family. So I chose to live, smile. Now I’m grateful for the good things and bad things too. I can’t change my past, but my rape made me stronger. Now I have 2 carriers and a Master degree. I focus in all the tons of reasons that I have for smile. If you are a survivor like me, believe my words: you’re not alone, GOD is to your side in all the people who love you, let them hug you. I don’t know you but I love you. My prayers are with you, find the courage to live and smile again, you deserve to be happy. If I could, you can.. ♥

— Survivor, age 33