My very first memory of something happening was that as we used to share a room, he was 6 years older than I was, he would ask if I wanted to play mothers and fathers with him. What 6 year old wouldn’t? Until I began to realize it generally meant him getting into my bed and things would go from there.
To start it was just cuddling and pretending to be parents. I even remember on one occasion my mum entered the room and found us. I cannot say what she saw, but either way my thinking as a parent. If I was to find my 12 year old son in bed with my 6 year old daughter the thoughts probably would not be good. All I remember her saying is, sitting on the bed beside us and saying, ‘if your father ever found out’ and I know as a kid I had a fear of my dad as a child. I had seen him give my brother a blood nose for doing the wrong thing.
After this incident my nephew was put in the same room with me to share rooms. I then used to remember my brother coming to my room and I would be asleep but I would wake up and think it was the light from his room, but it was because he was either kneeling by my bed or in my bed with his hands down my pants whispering in my ear to open my legs wider. Or if he was in my bed he would have his pants down and be trying to go further but I would never open my legs.
This went on for 6 years until the time he did try to rape me by bending me over a couch when no-one was home. I yelled at him it hurt and wouldn’t let him do it. I still remember what i was wearing that day. My white butterfly t-shirt and colorful shorts, it was summer. I never told a soul this had happened until I was married probably about 15-16 years later. I did not receive the support from my mum I thought I would. She basically asked me not to tell anyone using the excuse that my dad would not cope with knowing as he had mental health issues – but he had coped with many other issues, I personally believe she just could not cope with others knowing.
Well, they all know now, I am divorced as this was my way of getting away from my family unfortunately. To pick someone I felt was protective but was actually controlling and became violent. But I gained two beautiful girls. And if there was anyway I could help just one person I would. If I had the ability to set up some foundation/group I would. Especially when you lose support of your family it is hard. But I was lucky I have an amazing aunt and uncle who I gain much strength from and cannot say where I would be without them.
— Tash, age 37
Dear Tash,
I am grateful you found your aunt and uncle to be supportive and a source of strength. The way people react to your disclosure is often as painful as the abuse. I can tell from your writing that you are incredibly resilient. Your story will be a source of hope for other survivors. Thank you for your strength and bravery. With love, Alissa