My ex had gotten a girl pregnant and as upset as I was I was really worried about him because we had broken up a year before after a five year on and off again relationship. So I asked if his best friend would come talk to me to let me know he was doing ok, because their family was super religious and his mom had forbid me from speaking to him in the hopes that they could fall in love and get married and make it right with the church.
I hadn’t had sex with anyone since our breakup about 13 months before because I had hopes that we would work it out.
His friend comes over and talks for a couple hours about him and his situation and also his own girlfriend who happened to be my only friend at the time, which I was surprised he didn’t bring along. He suggests we go down to the gas station and buy some beer, I was a little weirded out, but it turned out he was having problems with his girlfriend and he was really upset and even in tears so I was like sure. I had been drinking a lot of hard liquor since my breakup that I would have friends buy me, so I could hold my own. But this night I drank one bottle of beer and next thing I know I was so out of it, it hit me like a brick wall.
I was 19 years old and I lived alone. He suggested that I should go lay down. He said he would help me, because I could barely walk. I layed down on my bed fully clothed and I had dangly earrings that I always wore. I remember him saying, “Let me help you take your earrings off.” I remember thinking, that is innocent and sweet. Not my clothes, my earrings. That is a friendly gesture. Next thing I remember is a flash memory of being naked and in the middle of sex with him and he says the phrase, “(ex’s name) was right, you are good in bed”. Then I woke up the next morning completely naked, no covers on me. My front door was unlocked and worst of all he had ejaculated on my stuffed horse that my ex had gived me in 9th grade when we first met.
I didn’t know anything about a rape kit at the hospital then. Noone had taught me about that. I don’t know what drugs there might have been in my system. I locked my door. Looked in the mirror and cried. Sat in the shower until the water ran cold.
I couldnt tell anyone, because everyone I knew, he was their friend. He was the guy. I was too ashamed to tell my parents.
It gets worse.. I didnt get my period that month, and I was pregnant. Maybe he didn’t pull out soon enough, maybe it was pre-ejaculate. I will never know. But it had been over a year since I had been with anybody, so I know it was his. I was so sick over that. I knew I wasnt gonna let him have power in my decision. I had an abortion. I cried and talked to my stomach and told my stomach I was sorry. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
— Survivor, age 32
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I hope that you are speaking to someone and getting the help you need and deserve. I pray that what was meant for evil will be turned around and used for your good.
Dear survivor – thank you so much for sharing your story here. What he did to you IS NOT YOUR FAULT and you are not alone. Many, many survivors don’t go to the hospital. Some don’t know what a rape kit is and other chose not to – you did the best you could with information you had at the time and I’m proud of you for doing that. As far as the abortion, my opinion is that you were absolutely entitled to be the decision maker. Making that decision must have taken a lot of strength and please know that I don’t judge you for a second and I think you made the decision that was right for you. I would strongly encourage you to see a counselor to help you work through what you’ve been through. In terms of telling people… I would think about it. Do you have friends who don’t run in the same circle who you trust? Or a family member? Remember that YOU are in control of who you tell and what you tell them so you don’t even have to say who it was or give any details. I believe in you. You are worth it. Sending you love and strength, Alexis