My Fiancé Destroyed Me

So, this is really not easy to me to. It still hurts so badly.
I was raped by my fiancé, I was raped by my fiancé for 13 times.

We started dating a little bit over a year ago.
I was immediately in love with him.
He was a gentleman, he told me how beautiful I was, he brought my flowers and paid the restaurant bills.
After our third date he started initiating sexual intercourse. He touched me and I thought he would be the right one and we ended up having sex.
It was rough at first, and when he realized that I was really strained he asked me if I had already sex before. I said “no” and he smiled and started being careful and I enjoyed it.

Sex wasn’t a big deal for me. It was just important that I would only have sex with someone I really love and we had sex nearly every day for the next six months. I enjoyed it most of the time, sometimes it hurt a bit at the beginning but when I told my fiancé about it, he acted like at my “first time”.

After six months he got a contract for an internship.
He moved to a different city and we saw each other two weekends a month, so four days in total.
At the first weekend when he came “home” he asked me if I trusted him and I said “yes of course”.
He told me that he wanted to try something new and I agreed. Because I trusted him.
He tied my hands to the bed and started being very violently. He hit me, he strangled me, he covered my mouth with his hands. I started crying, begged him to stop. He didn’t listen, told me afterwards how he enjoyed it. I told him that it hurt and he simply answered that it would get better.
But it didn’t.

He did it again the next day and every day he saw me, he used the chance to sodomize me.
He left me with bruises, sometimes I started bleeding.
He tuned into a control freak.
I wasn’t aloud to meet friends without him etc anymore.
I lost weight and friends. And all my self esteem and the courage to speak out.

On a Sunday, right before leaving, he asked me if I wanted to marry him, I said yes. Because I thought I didn’t deserve something better. But right after he was gone, I realized how much I wanted to kill myself. Because I didn’t want to be with him and this pain anymore.

I started some research and found a nice woman at rainn.org who encouraged me to write a letter to my parents which I did.
When my parents were at work, I left a letter at the kitchen table, telling them what happened.

I went to my flat to pack my fiancés things and while I was packing he suddenly arrived at home, telling me that he wanted to spend the next months until the marriage with me.
I was nervous and he detected the bag and, he got very angry and he hit me again and he raped me on the floor.
He hit my head against the wall, I nearly passed out and I barely remember what else he did to me.

After some hours the bell rang. My mother was back from work because she had migraine headache and she read the letter. My fiancé threatened my mom and she called the police.
They took my fiancé with them to the police station and the emergency doctor took me with him to a hospital, telling me that I could be lucky to be alive because my fiancé nearly hit me at my temple – and in this I case I would be probably dead now.

I am thankful that my fiancés attacks are over.
After the last attack my fiancé, he left me with bruises, the doctor needed to stitch up wounds on my body.
My fiancé injured me in my private and I got medication.

But to be honest – you can heal wounds soon but my mind is still broken.
I am alone, I have nightmares. I am not hungry anymore and my mother forces me to eat.
I lost my joy of living, my happiness, I lost my self esteem and there are days where I just want to kill me.

But someone used to say:
“Everything will be all right in the end. If it’s not all right, then it’s not the end.”

— Anna