When I was just at the young age of 4, I was sexually abused by my brother. He was 13, I was 4. I do not remember how these things started, but what happened between the beginning and the end is what will haunt me for the rest of my life. I was never raped, but I was orally raped, if you want to use that term. I remember exactly what the setup of his bedroom was… I remember where the bed was, the dresser, the futon bed, the nightstand… I also remember the glass case with a football in it. He told me, “Just do it.” So of course, I was scared and I decided that I better do it, in fear of him being angry with me for not doing it… I remember the position that I laid in the whole time and I can remember the images and the physical feeling of these things while they were happening. I also can still see him finishing himself off. I was crying like crazy, and if I can remember correctly… My dad was there, but I do not know if I ever spoke of what happened. I was never comforted or held when I was upset. My depression, anxiety, and mild PTSD that I struggle from weigh on me like no other. I get anxious whenever I get around him, although I love my brother. It is very hard for me to forgive, when I can never forget. I was helpless. I am thankful that these things only happened one time, but it is not a story that is to be minimized. It effected/ still effects me until this very second.
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Thank you so much for posting your story here. PTSD and depression and everything you describe are very normal reactions to what you’ve been through. The words you used – weigh on me – really resonate with me. The depression and anxiety can be so heavy, especially if you are carrying them alone. I would encourage you to find someone to talk to. Maybe a friend/family member you trust or a therapist. The emotions you’re feeling are complicated and it can really help to talk them through. You are ABSOLUTELY right that your story is not to be minimized. It doesn’t matter that it “only” happened once; it happened and it changed you. Sending you solidarity and light and love! Alexis
Thank you so much for your reply… I do have a counselor, but it is so much to work through after suppressing feelings for 15 years, ya know? I appreciate you taking the time to comment on my story.
Hello,
thank you for sharing your story. I am a survivor of oral and anal rape and it helps to know that other people understand what we go through as a result of something twisted that someone else has forced upon us. Always remember that the shame belongs to him, and never you. You do not deserve to feel disgusting or depressed because of something that will never be your fault. You did nothing to cause this, and it is most certainly NOT YOUR FAULT. Please know that you always have a family with us, and that we understand the rage that lasts a lifetime. You are a survivor, but what happened to you does NOT define you. You are your own person, beautiful, and worthy of true love. You are so deserving of a wonderful and successful life and I am confident that you will achieve this. Your story matters, and it should not be pushed to the side or minimized in any way. You have EVERY RIGHT to share your story and feel angry about it. You are such a beautiful soul, and I really do not want to see you destruct over a terrible event that you had no control over. Only you can control your life, others may not earn your heart or your mind even if they try to take control of your body. We are with you, and we love and accept you.
Love,
Olivia