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My First Time Speaking Up

My mom met a man from Iran when I was about 6 years old. He was kind and funny and had a son my age. Everything went smoothly and I trusted this man with my life. My father was basically very much on the sideline and always had been so it felt safe having a male rolemodel in my life.

Our families merged, and this is when things changed. It started with a night after my mom had said goodnight. Her boyfriend came in and read me a story like he had been doing ever since we all moved under the same roof. He picked up a pen and stroked it over my back until I was half asleep. He then pulled my pajama pants down a little bit at the time drawing further down my butt. I was 7 at the time.

Things progressed every day since that day. Playing inappropriate games which all happen so gradually no warning lamps went on in my young head. Everything from blowing raspberries on my butt and belly to accidentally touch me here and there.

I think things went like this, weekly- almost daily. When I was 10 things progressed even further. He showed me his collection of porn movies, even a filmed video of himself and my mom. He made me promise that when I turned 14 he would make me feel good like that. It scared me horribly but I had never seen anything like it and couldn’t explain it to anyone. He also had me preform oral sex on him when my mom wasn’t around. By oral sex I mean kiss his genitals. It was unpleasant but everything leading up to this had happen so gradually I still didn’t see how wrong this was.

Once puberty began (around 12) things started progressing into a more violent relationship between me and my moms boyfriend. I start disobeying him. Refusing his touch and would talk back. I didn’t welcome him into my room and would threaten to tell. He would constantly remind me how little I was worth by giving my sister and his son presents and money in front of me saying they were such good kids. And tell my mom that I talked back and was rude, she of course didn’t know my secret and would ground me.

This is when my mom announced her pregnancy. It was terrifying to know that my mom would share a child with this man I now feared. I was acting out and kept getting punished and grounded. My phone was taken away from me. During one of her doctors appointments I was in my bed, grounded listening to music. Her boyfriend came and start undressing. I ignored his presence and he put his belt around my neck until I got too dizzy to fight it. He didn’t rape me however. He just touched me like he always did, brushing his genitals all over my body. For the first time I was scared of my life. My mom gave birth shortly after to a beautiful boy I felt extra protective of. He was only a couple of months old when I decided to tell my mom. We had just had an argument starting with her boyfriend. So when she was alone in the bathroom with my brother I joined her and sat down ready to tell everything. I froze, and barely managed to get out a word. Only that he has been touching me for years and I wanted him out of the house.

The years are blurry. My mom broke up with him, without telling him why. We moved each our ways. I received death treats I didn’t dare to show my mom. I tried to sue him but we lost the case. After all my mom was now a single mom of 3 and couldn’t afford expensive lawyers. And I was so traumatized by the threats I fucked up the whole case by talking my way out of every question. My brother was nearly kidnapped at the daycare after my mom tried to take custody and I debuted sexually a few days after my 14th birthday in fear of someone taking it away from me. This guy is still free to this day, in frequent contact with my brother who’s now an 11 year old boy.

I’m now 23 years old with periods of not being able to leave my room. Struggling with severe depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts on a daily basis. And decided to share this story after a more recent happen a few years ago. I was raped which was like a sucker punch to my self esteem, although it only left a tiny paper cut on top of the burns I’ve already endured.

— Survivor, age 23

1 comment

  • Alexis

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