strong>The first time
My school had an exchange student in our class who has travelled from Austria. I immediately fell in love. He had a girlfriend back home but as we became friends and got closer and closer he told me ha had broken up with this girlfriend to be with me but only if We were ‘together’. His friends constantly pushed up together making up situations where he and I would be alone. I didn’t complain as I was falling very hard for this guy and believed he felt the same. Two days after my 17th birthday he took me down to the beach and said he had a surprise for me. The surprise was a blanket on the beach and a bottle of wine. I thought it was all so romantic, he eventually persuaded me to take some of my clothes off saying we could go swimming. I worked out later I had drunk most of the wine and being so young I was very drunk. I trusted him to respect me he told me if he was going to end it properly with his girlfriend back at home we had to have sex. I was a virgin al l my friends were having sex with their partners and I wanted him to be my boyfriend so let him have sex with me. I hated every minute but thought as long as this happened he would be my boyfriend. So I bragged about it to my friends. But I felt violated inside I felt that this was not how I wanted to lose my virginity. After he would contact me to ‘come hang’ and we would have sex because I believed that’s what girlfriends did. Meanwhile unbeknownst to me he was still with his girlfriend and seeing other girls in my friendship group. On his last night in Australia we held a goodbye party for him on the same beach we stole off into the bushes for the ‘last time’ he told me he loved me. He left while I got dressed and when I came out back onto the beach and saw him kissing my friend right there in front of me. I realised what he had done, manipulated me and my feelings towards him to achieve what he wanted. Sex. I had my first panic attack and my firs t broken heart then and there, I fell over and my friend and her boyfriend carried me back to my his car and drove me back to their house and slept either side of me until I had stopped sobbing and eventually fell asleep from exhaustion. I felt so ashamed, that I had believed him that I had gone through the physical pain of me trying to push him off me the first time I felt that I didn’t want it. Ashamed that I believed his lies. He left I ran into him a couple of years later he tried to talk to me and I ignored him.
The second time
I was traveling and living in Switzerland.
I was attending school and staying with a host family. My class and the one above were having a party in the woods so we drove a couple of hours out into the woods. I had a crush on a guy in the year above. I was 17 he was 18. He and I got to talking and he kept filling up my drink at the party we didn’t understand each other much as he spoke Italian and I spoke mainly English. Next thing I knew I was handed what I thought was a cigaret, I smoked it inhaling like a cigaret and coughed and coughed. The next thing I remembered was being in what I would describe as a garden shed with this guy, I couldn’t move, I couldn’t talk properly and he had already raped my unconscious body. As I woke up I felt him trying to put his penis in my bum. I couldn’t stop him it was so painful, he then kept going in between each hole. As soon as I was able to move and tell him to stop I managed to climb out throw the window and knocked on my friends car window and begged for th em to let me sleep in the car with them.
The next day everyone looked at me. They knew what had happened but thought it was my choice, my fault and that I had been leading him on because I had spent time with him before it all happened and they knew I had had a crush on him. The following weeks saw me have huge infections in my urinary tract and vagina but I was too scared and ashamed of what happened to talk to a doctor about it. For weeks and weeks I lived in pain. I eventually told my friend I was travelling with about what happened and she took me to a doctor I didn’t tell him what happened but he gave me medication to take away my pain.
With both my rapes I feel it was my fault, that I had feelings for these men and so was asking for it. I accepted drinks from them. Since, my relationships have sufferered I can’t have sex without pain because I am so tense my mind subconsciously tenses my entire body up. Sex is rarely pleasurable for me now. I cannot achieve orgasm. And something in my brain is now trained to think that to get the guy I like I have to always put sex on the table. The only people I have ever told have been my closest friends and all my partners since so they understand and know. I could never tell my family because I know how upset it would make them. What makes me furious is the second man to rape me is now married and having children. I wonder if I told anyone what really happened in that garden shed, this family man a man who fought for his country will be shamed or even worse I will be considered a liar.
It doesn’t effect me now I can talk about my rapes with my partners (not the details) but subconsciously it effects every relationship. I feel the only way men will find me attractive that I have to have sex with them. And of course I can’t orgasm because when I spend intimate time with my partner I think about other stuff not the sex because I am scared if I think in the moment I might end up thinking of the rapes.
I tried to get help from a local clinic that helps with orgasm disorders but they charge $200 a session. I can’t afford that. So I am stuck feeling ashamed everyday that maybe it was all my fault, maybe I flirted too much maybe I inadvertently indicated to them that I wanted this to happen.
I will never go to the police about it, I will never tell my parents but maybe sharing my story here will help me… Even just a bit.
I also feel my story isn’t even worth mentioning when I hear about women held at gun point women who were stabbed… All I did was get drugged and mixed with the wrong crowd…