4 years ago, when I was 15, I was raped by a boy a knew. He was my friend’s ex-boyfriend. I was walking home one night from a friends house, and for some reason, took the long way home that happened to take me past his house. I saw him on my way and we began talking and went for a walk because it wasn’t too late at night so I didn’t have to be home straight away. While we were walking he stopped and kissed me, I kissed him back because I found him attractive at the time, and when you’re 15, a boy of 20 that ‘likes’ you is a thrill.
As we carried on walking we ended up in a nearby park and stopped and sat on the grass and carried on talking. After a while, he started proposing sex with me, but I was persistent with the fact I didn’t want to. He took this as a joke. He continued to ask for sex, and I knew then that this was just playing around, I had the instinct to just run but I was too scared. He then held up his phone to me, to show me the time, it was 20:46 and he said, ‘if you don’t agree to have sex with me in 2 minutes I’m just going to rape you anyway’. I laughed this off and tried to be casual while still saying no, it then reached 20:48, he just showed my the time on his phone, smiled and continued to pin me down on the floor and pull down my jeans and underwear and rape me, at first I fought but then just froze and gave up.
He then walked me home, I just stayed silent the whole way, then as he left me, I received a text message immediately after that just said ‘haha easy’. I knew I had been raped. After a few months, I plucked up the courage to tell my friend (his ex girlfriend) with the support of my best friend. When I told her, initially she was understanding, but then I think she became angry and proceeded to tell everyone at school, and nobody believed me, they said that if I had been raped I wouldn’t even want to leave the house so how was I going to school. For months I received abusive messages for the boys friends and from people I went to school with, I was ‘the girl who lied about being raped’. It became a standing joke between those who knew me.
While all this was going on, it actually persuaded me to believe that it was my fault, I wasn’t clear enough that I didn’t want to have sex with him, because I was known as the girl that had had sex with a few boys, I didn’t fight him off hard enough, I didn’t go to the police. Only in the past 6 months or so have I really realised what happened to me, and I think about it every day. This boy now lives on the same street as me and I live with the sick feeling in my stomach that I could see him any day.
I am still yet to tell any of my family or my current boyfriend who I have been with for 2 years and feel like as I’ve only just come to terms with this, that it’s going to be a long journey to dealing with it and being content. Thank you
I am so glad that you’re on the path to understanding that what happened to you was in no way your fault. People can be very cruel and words can hurt a lot, but the only thing that really matters is your truth. I know it probably doesn’t mean anything coming from someone you don’t know, but I believe you. When you feel ready you will tell your family and your boyfriend. The journey is a long one, but you will get through it. I believe that having the support of family and friends is really helpful, but you have to do it in your own time. So please try to be patient with yourself. Take all the time you need and know that you are not alone.
You are very brave.
After a rather horrifying experience, you’re still here and by posting on this site, it means you’re still fighting. To see someone who’s been through so much speak about their experience is incredible and you are mindblowingly strong. What the boy texted you after he raped you was sickening and cruel. But how people refused to believe you was even worse. What happened wasn’t a cry for attention and I have a feeling that deep down people simply didn’t want to accept the truth. But, understand that even though what happened may have knocked you down to the point you thought (or still think) you can’t get back up, you know have the strength, power, and knowledge to shine brighter than ever before. Healing from any kind of trauma is long and difficult, but it is possible. Like Alissa Ackerman said, when you feel ready, you will tell your loved ones. Tell them when you’re ready and having any kind of support is certainly helpful. Keep fighting and stay strong!