I am 43 years old and I know that the effects if my rape have cut deep. I have never said it before, “my rape” until I am typing it now. It’s been 25 years…I saw your documentary last night so now it’s time.
I was 18. It was the summer after I graduated from high school. When, most of my closest friends and I, were at the very large home of my friends. I knew everyone there. We all drank quite heavily and I was with my boyfriend all evening. He was the biggest guy there, the star linebacker of the football team, an innocent sweetheart. We had chosen an attic room and when it was time for sleep, my he and I put two small mattresses beside each other and just crashed, beside one another but separated a bit by the break in the mattresses. I remember being quite intoxicated when we went to bed and was thankful for the safe and private place to sleep. I was nauseous, on the verge of puking, and thankful for having a place to sleep safely, next to him.
Sometime later in the middle of the pitch black night I woke in a still drunken haze to being fucked. I couldn’t see anything. I could sense a large man, like my boyfriend. I said his name, “what are you doing? I can’t do this.” I quickly fell back into a haze of sleep and confusion. I woke again. It was still happening. I said, “No.” He said, “shshshsh.” I said it’s not ok. Others are here. I’m drunk. This is not ok. And again, “shshshsh”. I shut down.
When I awoke the next morning I hated him. It took until crying in the bathroom later that night that I was able to confront him about “doing that to me while I wad passed out”. After working through his instant devastation, it was clear it was not him.
It was a grotesque wave of revulsion and fear that lead me quickly, in the nasty hidden spaces of the movie theater bathroom to realize some “friend” had done that to me. He laid so close, separated by a break in the mattresses. It ruined us. Him. Me. My trust. Of everything. It changed the way I viewed all relationships forever. Now I know it effected everything. I have really never trusted again. I may know who it is. It has left me alone in a circle of friends