I was throwing a Halloween party in 2016. I invited a few coworkers and some friends of my husband and I. We are a very young married couple, at the time 19 and 20. I was very excited that a friend on mine was coming. He was 46 and one of my first new friends at my new job. He was married and I didn’t think I needed to worry.
My husband and I like to party, we drank so much. We had never drank that much before.
I only remember that night in waves, but what I remember the most was being told I had to go upstairs to find something for my coworker who had come to the party. I tried to be a good host and go get it for him. But I learned he was just trying to separate me from my husband.
He forced himself on me in my husband and I’s bed. Repeatedly. I kicked as heard as I could and tried to bite him, but I was too drunk. My husband was passed out drunk downstairs. I was raped in my home with my husband a few rooms away.
It is so hard to feel safe anywhere. I feel his disgusting hands on me all the time. He told me I asked him for it, but no matter how drunk I was, I am married and know I wouldn’t have. I told my husband I was sorry and he has been so gentle with me and tells me it’s not my fault. He says he should have protected me. But I feel so much guilt.
— Tina, age 20
Hi Tina, while our stories are not exactly the same, I wanted to let you know that I understand how you are feeling. I am also married young (I got married at 21 I’m now 23) and my situation also involved a coworker. And he was married as was I. I completely understand your guilt and shame and the sense of security that is now gone. It was someone you knew, someone you thought was safe. I can imagine the pain you are going through even if mine is slightly different in context than yours. I’m so sorry that you are going through this, but something I’ve learned that I want to share with you is this; lean on your husband don’t push him away and realize that no matter what you did or didn’t do, that man would’ve done what he did anyways because he is an evil person and has no compassion, guilt or morality. It will be hard and not everything you might need but I recommend finding a therapist that can help you work through the trauma you ensued. Some will even offer to help your husband for a few sessions so you can be a team getting through this. If it helps at all to see someone in a slightly similar situation you can read my story a few below yours called A Sociopath in Disguise. I hope things get better for you, hang in there.
Dear Tina – thank you so much for sharing your story here. I’m really glad to read that your husband has been supportive and the truth is that it’s not your fault or his – it is only your coworker’s. You DID NOT ask for it. It doesn’t matter if you were drinking – all that matters is that you didn’t give your consent. I would encourage you to seek out a therapist to help you with all that you’re feeling (maybe one for your husband too; he must have some pretty complex emotions and deserves support as well). I know you can get through this because it is NOT YOUR FAULT and you are guilty of nothing. Please know you are not alone and I believe in you. Love, Alexis