My Journey

I got this flashback of me as a baby on my aunt’s nephew’s lap in her living room and at the time I was in therapy so I decided to talk about it in one of my sessions. I didn’t want to believe it because my path hasn’t been that easy for me, but I gave it a shot with my therapist. She told me maybe it was true. I thought or wanted that mind was playing games with me but she told me…your body will remember and it did.

I was molested as a baby and I got this all emotions during that session that I thought it was all taken care of that day. I started masturbating at a really young age, but I thought it was normal that every child did it. Even once back in high school, I talked about masturbation with one of my best friends at the time and she told me she did it too. I was relieved, but now i think that maybe she was molested too.
My therapist told me that if I was doing that is because I was sexually stimulated at a young age. I couldn’t bring myself to believe that this has happened to me… one more thing that causes me pain.

I used to drink a lot when I was in my twenties and I have this other memory of my uncle. He was the cool, party uncle, graving my boobs. I was drunk. He was drunk. We were at one of his clubs and the next thing I know I woke up in his living room fully dressed with no purse and shoes. I was worried because I didn’t get home and call my mom to tell her. But I can’t bring myself to remember what else happened that night. I’m afraid it was my fault and I was all flirty with him. Sometimes I want to know sometimes I don’t.

I told this once to my cousin and he excused him saying that he was drunk. I don’t even remember what I felt later but I was so disappointed because //i really trusted him and thought he would be on my side. I can’t tell my mom this because if I do so her couple’s relationship will be destroy or maybe she won’t do anything and that will break my heart. This guy is her brother-in-law so it will be a huge mess if I even say it out loud and I’m not even sure what happened later that night.

I think everyone is going to blame me and nobody is going to blame him or maybe they will excuse him as my cousin and they will use certain things about my past to hurt me back. Her daughter is getting married in two months she invited me to the wedding, but I cant go. I can’t sit there in the same room with him with the family pretending nothing happened. Writing about it give me some peace.

Two days ago, I came back for a 10 day meditation retreat and during one of these meditations I felt what the first guy did to me when I was a baby. I understood so much about my path with alcohol, intimacy and the idea of me trying to be with a girl will make it all better because I haven’t been able to be in a healthy relationship with a guy. I’m so scared I don’t what to do. I said to myself once I get out I’m going to get some help but I’m scared I don’t wan to go deeper. I don’t know what to do.

Yesterday I had the courage to watch the documentary and listening to all these women talking about their feelings was like they were inside of me saying the words. The feelings that I wasn’t able to say out loud and it was like someone finally gets me. So, if they are feeling the same way I do is because it happened to me too and this is the hard part.

It has been really hard for me to make it real to accept that I was molested as a baby and I’m so scared that I tried to tell my mom again yesterday hoping to get a better reaction from her. But, she doubted me. She’s not sure I’m sure about this and it made me so angry. I was so angry at her that I shot myself down and hung up on her. I hope one day I got the courage to take about it and make it through this journey or realize that writing about it. Trying to say it out loud is my way of starting making peace with it. Thank you so much for the film and the website. God bless you all.