From the age of 8, I have been protecting and defending myself. Trying to keep on his good sudden so that he wouldn’t hit me the way he did mama. I just didn’t know that something worse was in store for me.
One night he walked in all calm and cool and it scared me. I thought for sure that this would be the day I understood mama’s pain, but that pain never came. God! How I wish I would have felt that pain instead of this. I was too afraid to fight, but even when I did I wasn’t strong enough to get him from on top of me. As an 8 year old little girl I witnessed what it felt like to be raped by a grown man, someone I trusted none the less. It didn’t stop there though. He came in my room every night with that sick question, front or back?
No one ever really knew what happened, not mama, not dad, not my brothers..no one. I was alone on this secret, because well who would believe me. He couldn’t get to me when we moved away, but that didn’t make it feel any better. He never really stopped bothering mama but he left me alone until I began to dream then he came back in my nightmares. It’s been 7 years since he went to jail, not for what you hope he went to jail for. My best friend, my younger brother, and someone that I was trying to save from that pain, are the only people that know this. Although my brother doesn’t know that it was his dad who did this to me, because I didn’t have the heart to tell him.
At times when the pain was too much I would want to kill myself or for someone to end my misery, but the thought of leaving my family hurt more than the pain did. Once I was in so much physical and emotional pain that I said ” I give up” and tried to die, but I just couldn’t give him that satisfaction. I mean he already took my virginity, my happiness, and my dreams but I won’t let him take my life. So here I am continuing the struggle that is my life. I live with a closed off heart and a messed up mind. I don’t let anyone near me even if I do trust them which is rare. I guess that is kind of why my relationships don’t last and why people think I’m so insane.
I don’t know. I try to forgive and forget but how many times can some one truly forgive and forget about everything that this life has put them through? I mean, is life really better than death? Does it really make more sense to stay and feel pain? or to die and feel nothing, but do we really feel nothing? I just don’t get it. I feel like I have given up but I can still feel that there is a fight going on, one that I have to win.
— Survivor, age 16