I grew up with my brother and parents in Holland, when I was 6 my brother started to touch me and said he had to teach me stuff because he was older. He said this was how we had to play with each other. It began with touching me, but it became worse after a while. I had to touch him to and he asked me to touch him too. I had to do things with his private parts and I felt so ashamed. My first kiss was with him, and my first sexual experiences were with him. It was very difficult for me to be a kid, because I always had problems with banding with other people or kids. This is because my mom left town when I was two weeks old. Maybe that is why I felt like I couldn’t talk about it or couldn’t trust my parents. At very young age I had dreams about my parents and how they cant be trusted even though they treated me right most of the time. When I was 11 years old, it happened again. i was asleep and my brother was all over me when i woke up. I was shocking and I wasn’t feeling save at my own home. He manipulated me and bullied me, he said I overreacted things always and that my family hates me or thinks that I’m sad. I believed every word he said. It happened three times when I was 11 (the sexual abuse) and it never happened again. He still acted very aggressive and manipulative. When we were in a fight at home, when I was 14 I threw everything out: that he is a perv, and that he abused me. My parents heard it, but they never mentioned it again. When I was 16, I brought it up to my mom. I wasn’t living there anymore, so the distance was making it a little bit more easy. I thank god she believed me, and we talked about it. Still I feel like I’m overreacting and like it never happened. I feel guilty when I talk about it, and can’t feel the connection between what happened and my behavior. I still see my brother sometimes too, and I try really hard to forgive. Not just for him, but for me too. I hope all the anger inside of me will disappear slowly when I find real forgiveness, but I think I can only find that when I first get to my own feelings, and get my own life together. I hope all of the victims get the chance to work on this and get the chance to love again. I hope you find someone who will support you and makes you feel like you are boss about your own body. You are all strong men/woman, and for the ones who never had to go through something like this. I hope you will never underestimate the feelings of a victim and I hope you understand this is something that can ruin all relationships and that it takes really hard work to get all better, because you will never really get over it.
— Survivor, age 19