This is hard to write about, because its still going on. My dad is still using me, and have been for almost a year now.
I don’t remember everything about the first time he raped me. I was 16 and my mom was away on a business trip. She works a lot, starts early in the morning so she goes to bed early and is often away. So, I and my dad was sitting on the couch watching some movie. Then much is blurry. He threw himself on me, touched me, and didn’t care when I told him to stop. The one thing I remember clear as day however is what he said to me. He was groping me, and he whispered in my ear. He said things like “i’m sorry”, “I love you”, “daddy needs it”. He then penetrated me, and had sex with me. I didn’t scream out, I just cried. I still feel stupid for that. MAybe if i had screamed, or I had screamed any of the following times he raped me, things would be different now.
But instead I just laid there and took it.
He even came inside me without warning. Luckily he didn’t get me pregnant, and hasn’t since. Then, he just got up and walked away to cook dinner, while I was half naked and crying on the couch.
The very next day dad was on me again. This time I begged him to not rape me, as I didn’t want to get pregnant. So he said he would be “nice” and forced me to suck him off instead.
I was and still am so confused. I had always loved my dad, and still do, and he had never been like this. The dad I knew helped me with my homework, drove me to school when it was too cold to walk and comforted me when my boyfriend broke up with me.
And he is still like that. But whenever he forces himself on me he becomes so cold. He doesn’t care or listen when I ask him to stop. That time he forced me to give him a blow job he told me afterwards that I should always be on the pill. And I have always been on the pill since then.
Like I said, my mom goes to bed early since she has to get up early in the morning to get to work. So almost every night my dad rapes me after my mom goes to bed. It doesn’t hurt much anymore, but it still feels weird and wrong to do it with my dad.
I asked him why he did it and why he still does it, and he simply answered that my mom doesn’t every satisfy him since she works so much, so I’ll have to do it.
I love my dad, I love him more than anyone else. But I don’t want to be afraid every night that my dad is going to rape me. Neither do I want him to be arrested for rape and locked up.
— Survivor, age 17
Dear survivor – thank you so much for posting your story here. First I have to say that what your father is doing is NOT your fault. No matter what you did or didn’t do; if you screamed or didn’t scream – it’s not your fault. Of course you are confused and you are entitled to feel any emotions that come up for you. You shouldn’t have to be afraid every night and you deserve to be safe. Of course I can’t tell you what to do – no one can. I would encourage you to think about if there’s a way to keep you safe that doesn’t require your dad to be in jail. In an ideal world maybe he could seek out counseling (and you, too) so his behavior would stop.
I’m so proud of you for being so brave and posting this. I so wish I had an answer for you as to what to do or how to “fix things”. All I can offer you is my support and solidarity. Please know I will be thinking about you and sending you light.
I want to let you know that you are a courageous person that deserves to get out of this awful situation. Absolutely no one, not even your father, can touch you without your consent. I cannot tell you what to do because I have never faced this situation but I recommend you to tell someone who you trust so they can better guide you. No one deserves to live under constant fear.
Maybe you could tell your mom what’s happening?
This needs to be said man you need to go to the police or tell someone tell your mom I know you love your dad, but this has to stop sexual abuse is not alright, he is raping you for gods sake.
So sorry for all the assaults you have endured. He’s truly hurting you and needs to be stopped. If you aren’t able to tell your mom perhaps you could tell a trusted teacher or school counselor. You’re not alone and I believe you. Praying for you!