I was just 15, shy, skinny and a late developer.
He abused me systematically, first with teasing, then physical attacks, short and disguised as tom foolery. wresting me to the ground and pulling my pants down, trying to break into bathroom when i was i there, touching my breasts when he passed me by.
then finally trying to rape me as I lay asleep, It was over quickly but he managed to penetrate me.
he tried another time, this time I was able to fight him off. but to make sure I kept quiet and told no one he murdered my beloved pets.
I was afraid of him and left home.
It has taken me several decades to come forward about this, because I thought it was just me he harmed, and I thought if I buried it I could forget it
But it turns out there are more victims.
I have reported him to the police and am waiting to hear if it will go to trial.
My motive?
Certainly not revenge but there is an element of shame that I did not come forward sooner as he has harmed before and may harm someone else in the future.
Some little girl somewhere needs protecting, I am here for her; just as someone should have been there for me.
I feel I was let down by everyone around me, dysfunctional alcoholic parents, and oblivious teachers.
Did no one notice that I cut all my hair off and made myself as ugly as possible?
I felt totally alone.
My adult life peppered with destructive relationships, my inability to really trust anyone has led to failed relationships and a dismal dysfunctional marriage.
My new partner cannot deal with my revelations, stonewalling me and withdrawing from engaging with me; unable to talk about or listen to me talk about my past abuse.
Nor does he want to hear about my search for help or counseling.
One again I am totally on my own.
You’re not alone. I felt the same way, but I promise you there are so many people who are about you. Even if they don’t know you, they care about your struggles and your pain and your feelings. I’ve been sexually abused and I know how you feel. But don’t for one second think that people don’t care about you. You are loved. You are important. You are stronger than you know. Look how far you’ve made it already, I’m proud of you. Just take it one day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time. You can do it.
Thank you so much for sharing your story here. I am SO proud of you for coming forward and sharing with us. The truth is that you don’t know what would have happened if you had reported him earlier. Sure he might have been stopped but that might not have been the case at all. You did the best you could with what you knew at the time. I am SO GLAD to read you are looking for counseling! I encourage that SO much! Once you find one (try to be patient – it’s not always an easy process) I would encourage you to talk to him/her about your partner. While it can be really hard for someone to hear about someone else’s pain, you deserve love and support and kindness from him. Please know that I am sending you love from the bottom of my heart and you are not alone (even if we are not in the same physical space). Lots of light!! Alexis