My Snowball Effect

My life has been a serious of many many struggles. But, I am grateful that they happened because I wouldn’t be the person that I am today. It started with my parents relationship. It was ever really good. But at the age of nine, I caught my Father cheating on my mom. He was emailing this woman because he knew that Mom had no idea how to use a computer(my mother is from another country). As a child at the age of nine, I instantly told my mom. It felt like a personal attack to me because my father seemed perfect to me. I mean, they fought like a normal couple does, but nothing more. I talked to my dad and it seemed like things were gonna change. I never saw that side of my dad before. Due to this happening, it caused a lot of anxiety, I didn’t trust anyone, and I started to become depressed. When I hit middle school I lost all of my friends and made friends with the wrong people. At the time, there was a group of like 9 of us. We were the weir d girls with too much teenage angst. Eventually I met a guy who was a year older than me and we went to the same school.

_13 years old_

The guy found me on Myspace and we started talking. He ended up being my first boyfriend. Eventually, he wanted things to go further. Not that long ago, I had my first kiss with him. My first kiss ever. This guy was obviously going to mean a little more than most. I remember it wasn’t even a year before I had my first period. During the relationship with this boyfriend, he insisted on shoving his hand down my pants. I had kept pushing his away telling him that I was on my period and its probably not a good idea. He did it anyway while holding me down and then got mad because he felt my pad– my first assault. He got pissed off and stopped talking to me. A few days later, I found out that he was cheating on me with someone who was 2 or 3 years older than him.

_3 Years Later: 15 years old_

I was now a sophomore. I had my streaks of bad boyfriends but I didn’t know that it just gets worse. I met this guy through mutual friends and such. I always had a little crush on him, but nothing that I had hung myself over. As bad as it sounds, that’s how I felt at first. But one thing that I didn’t know: He was going to change my life forever. I don’t know what I can say or anything. I just don’t know but I feel that people need to hear a story like mine. I’m going to try to be as vague as possible but still tell you what I was going through for about a year and 3 months.
We were dating for a month when he brought up having sex with me. I told him I didn’t even want to think about it until I was maybe 16. Instead, he decided he was ready. I didn’t know what to do. Or think. I didn’t remember much. And I still don’t. I just remember laying there, trying not to cry or make noises because I was in my house and if I were to explode, I was scared of what he would do.
A month later, he come over to my house one morning. It was a Saturday. He came over and we would spend all day together. This morning in particular, I heard a lot of sirens. In my hometown, nothing happens. Its quiet. Not even 5 minutes later, he gets a phone call. His best friend passed away. I went to the hospital. I saw the body. I was forced into everything. And this happened down the road from my house. The funeral happens a few days later. This is when my world started going out of control. The grieving process was very hard for literally everyone.
Later, he was diagnosed with a severe mental disorder. I was responsible for everything. Medications, hygiene, relationships, my own life, my own problems. I was responsible for all of it.
He would scare me by being suicidal. He changed me completely. He made me lose everyone in my life. Eventually I left. He threatened to kill people dear to me, to hurt my pets, and he terrorized me. I reported it. got a CPO that only lasted 2 years. So, I moved 70 miles away to a big city to start over.

_18 years old_

My current boyfriend and I were broken up during the first week of college. Everyone brought a date to the dorm and so I invited someone. Little did I know he was drunk. He kept trying to touch me everywhere in front of everyone. He assaults me and no one cared but the one I roomed with. But were two small girls. What can we go? Eventually we convinced him to leave.

I still struggle everyday. And its just normal for them. I don’t get it. But I know my story is different. I don’t know if anyone has been in a situation like me. But just the slightest chance that they have, I want them to know that they aren’t alone. Because being “alone” is the worst and hardest part of it. I now suffer from PTSD, Anxiety and Depression. Its hard but I’m doing good thanks to my help boyfriend and a lot of research.

— Survivor, age 20