12 years old, finally realizing the changes in my body. My step brother, who was 16 at the time, would sneak into my room or whenever he got the chance to be alone with me he would start to touch me. I would try to get away, he was too big to move. I would struggle and struggle and he would tell me I would like it. I could not do anything about it, I would black out until it was over. I would start to hide in my room.
When he noticed I was becoming more distant he would be even more persistent. He would text me and tell me to meet him in the bathroom for some fun. I would not answer, and lay in bed in fear he was going to come to me. This continued for a while, he would do things even when people were in the room and no one ever noticed, my step mom would just tell me he “loved” me too much he just wanted a hug. At this point, I wasn’t able to walk around the house in what I was comfortable in.
Eventually we moved into a bigger house 2 years later. His room was farther away now. That did not stop him. I was 14, he was 18. He was getting bigger and stronger. Things were getting worse, he was no longer grabbing me outside of my clothes, he was doing more than that. He would trap me in the corners of the kitchen and other areas of the house, he would pin me down grab my butt, grab my breasts, grab my down there. He didn’t stop for anything, no matter how much I said to stop. He would wait until no one was home so my screaming did not affect him.
Lets switch topics for a minute…now I’m 14 years old, my brother is sexually harassing me. ‘Im acting out, drinking. I got really drunk one night, blacked out. Apparently some 18 year old had sex with me, I do not remember a thing. I remember waking up in the morning sore. I vaguely remember while it was happening looking at the clock waiting for it to be over. I don’t remember how it started but it was too late to change things. This is considered rape now. And still to this day no one knows about this.
Back to the step brother. Around this time I would bring it up to my friends because I had no idea what was going on. I was confused. My one friend told her mom and her mom called my father immediately. When my father pulled me aside to talk about what he heard. He was in tears, hysterical crying. I denied everything. I did not want to be the reason his life was ruined. I couldn’t hurt him. He believed me and I never told a single soul after that.
He continued to touch me even though he knew that there was something going on. He didn’t care, he would make out with me while I would lay there unable to move. Pin me down and put his hands in my pants. There was nothing I could do. I couldn’t move. He would make me touch him. He would sneak into my room in the middle of the night to touch me and wouldn’t leave for anything. And when he would leave, he would tell me how one day he was going to “get me”.
All this went on until I was about 17 years old, I was stronger, more experienced, I knew how to handle it. There weren’t many incidents where I got pinned down, so I had the advantage. But I’m 18 years old and he is 22, there will never be an end to this. And maybe someday I will be able to tell someone to make things better. But until then I’m stuck in this little feeling. I am stuck with the constant reminder of what it felt like.
Now I’m with someone I met in college and I am struggling with the sexual aspect of the relationship. I don’t know what to do…
— Survivor, age 18