was sexually assaulted and this is my story.
I’ve known the guy since I moved to where I live now, almost five years ago. He was my neighbor three doors down. We liked each other from the very beginning. We played outside with more of our neighbor friends all the time for hours. We would sit on each other’s lawns and talk about anything from church to basketball to our futures. Our families had game nights and parties. We were really close.
A little more than a year ago, he started acting weird and he got obsessed with video games and being on his computer. Now I’m sure he’s been in to pornography since about then. We didn’t hang out with him for months. Then his family moved quite far away. All of my neighbors and I were devastated because he wasn’t with us at all before they moved because he was with his computer instead.
In those few months before he moved, he did tell me he liked me a few times but I always told him I didn’t see him like that. I liked another guy that ended up being gay. He knew about that though and it made him angry. But I didn’t like him at that time anyway because of how much time he was spending on his computer so I didn’t care.
About January this year, I texted him and told him I was sorry for doing that. So that turned into us trying to have a long distance relationship. It went okay for a couple of weeks. Then religion became a conflict. I left the religion we both had been a part of. I still have the standards of the church because I believe in being a moral good person, no matter what I believe otherwise. Fred(is what we’ll call this guy) was still a part of the church but didn’t care for the standards. Because I had left, he had an image about me that wasn’t true. He thought I would have sex with him and sext him when he couldn’t come see me. I told him clearly I was still a clean person that wanted to wait for all of that until marriage. We fought about it and broke up.
The week of March 19th rolled around and that was his spring break so his family came to visit. I texted him before he came to my house and apologized so that it wouldn’t be awkward when he came.
He came and stayed for a little bit talking to my family with his brother. My dad stayed outside and talked with his dad. Fred had to leave and go hang with other friends. He texted me after he left and we worked out that he would come back and hang out with me later.
My whole family was watching a movie in our front room when he came. My mom helped me get ready earlier because we were considering this our first “official date” because we’d never actually gone on one. I confessed to her that I had feelings for him but I had more feelings now for a guy we’ll call Ben. But I decided I’d go on this “date” and see how I felt after.
It was around 9:30 that night when we left. My dad didn’t say anything to him about having me home safe or anything. Even if it hadn’t made a difference to what Fred did to me, it would’ve given me more courage to stop him. My dad regrets it very much now.
We drove around and talked for a while. (I should probably point out that I was driving my car because he obviously didn’t have one) Then we parked in the church parking lot a few blocks from my house. I asked him if he remembered my birthday (he promised he would). He knew it’s in May but couldn’t tell me the date. I got mad at him because he promised he would remember. He then said,”I break promises” so I said,”You can’t break your promises anymore. Especially to me!” So he said,”I promise I won’t break my promises to you.” So I said,”But you break promises. So how do I know you won’t break that promise?” He said,”When I think of something as important, I don’t forget it.”
We talked until about 11:30 about the fight we had had a few months before. Remember that he wanted me to sext him and have sex with him and I told him I wouldn’t and that he should’ve known that about me. So he tried arguing with me about the fact that he didn’t. I kept the texts and showed them to him and he couldn’t argue anymore. He told me he’s changed now. He asked then what I wanted. So I asked him what he wanted and he said he wanted whatever I wanted. So I asked,”What if I told you I wanted to be more than friends?” And he said, “Then that’s what I would want too.” I never actually told him I wanted to be more than friends. But I didn’t tell him I didn’t want to either. I should have. It was what I was feeling anyway.
At 11:30 ish I took Fred to the hotel his family was staying at to get his stuff before going to our neighbors house, where he was staying.
About that same time I got a text from my mom saying her and my dad were going to bed. I got offended and angry because she was leaving me alone and I wanted her to be there to ask about my date when I got home. I didn’t respond to her and I told Fred while rolling my eyes that they were going to bed. He could tell I was upset about it but he didn’t seem bothered about it.
My curfew wasn’t until midnight so we went back to the church parking lot before I took him to my neighbors. I started driving to go home but Fred asked why I was doing that and I just said, “Fine I won’t.” That’s why we went back to the church parking lot. I shouldn’t have listened to him and I should’ve gone home.
As I drove back to the parking lot, I knew he was going to kiss me and I was trying to figure out some way I could get out of it, because I have feelings for Ben that Fred didn’t know about. I also had never been kissed before and I really didn’t want to be kissed because of the circumstances. But I had already told him my parents had gone to bed so I didn’t see how I could tell him I wanted to go home now instead of in a half an hour. So I endured that half an hour. He was getting closer to me and I kept moving so he couldn’t kiss me.
Eventually, 12:04 to be exact, he succeeded in kissing me. But it wasn’t like the gentle, romantic kisses I see in my favorite princess movies and chick flicks. A couple minutes went by with him kissing me when I pulled away to say, “I should probably go. I’m gonna get in trouble. And you are too. If my parents knew what we were doing…” He said, “Worth it,” and continued kissing me. His breath smelled horrible and I opened my eyes for some of the kissing. I felt guilty about it but I so wasn’t into it. The sound of kissing is a huge trigger for me now because I wasn’t in to Fred kissing me so I was aware of everything else going on.
About five minutes went by, from the time we started kissing. And that’s when he touched me. I was so shocked at first that I didn’t do anything. After he massaged my breast a few times and it registered in my brain what was happening, I grabbed his hand and said, “You can’t.” I didn’t say it loud enough so I said it again. Then he asked “Why not?” putting his hand back on my breast. I grabbed it again, pulling it down and said, “We just can’t. There’s no commitment remember?” He then proceeded to continue kissing me and asked if I would go out with him between kisses. I said yes, being confused and scared he would touch me again. Because I said yes, it had completely the opposite effect than the one I intended. He took it as an indication that it would be okay for him to grab me again. I took his hand off of me and said,”No.” So he asked, “Why? It’s part of the relationship. I made a commitment. And I want to make you feel good.” So I started to get angry and said,”Thats not marriage.” And he said, “I know I told you before that I wouldn’t get married until I was 24 because I needed to have a bachelors degree and what not. But that’s not true. Of course I want to be married before that.” He ran his hand through my hair. So I said, “Promise?” He said, “Promise.” I said, “Yay. I’m so glad you feel differently now.” Then he was kissing me again. He grabbed my breast again and I grabbed his hand and said, “No!” And he asked me again, “Why not? It’s part of the relationship and I love you,” and he was kissing me harder and massaging me harder. I pulled his hand down again. By this time I was sweating like mad. “We can’t. We can’t.” I said. He laughed and said, “Haha you liked it. Have you ever even felt that way before?” and I said, “No. No. No.” And kept shaking my head. But he was kissing me again and touching me. I tried kissing him harder to make him forget about what he wanted to do with his hands. It was to no avail. I didn’t know then kissing harder escalates things for guys. I grabbed his hand again harder this time, holding it on my lap. He then used his other hand around me to try and touch me. I easily lowered my elbow to block that hand. One last time he let go of my hand and proceeded to touch me again. I grabbed it harder than ever and by this time he was kissing me hard and breathing hard.
Finally, a few minutes after he was breathing so hard, he suddenly pulled away and leaned completely the other way and sighed with his eyes closed. After how hard he was just kissing me, I was confused. So I said, “I better go home.” And he just said, “Yeah.”
I was relieved he stopped but I was so confused because of how hard he was kissing me before. He picked up his backpack that was on the floor of my car and put it on his lap. Now, thinking back on the way he was acting, I’m pretty sure that he ejaculated. I drove home and he bid me goodnight and walked to my neighbors house.
I saw him once more the next day. He gave me a hug because his family was leaving back home and left. I was relieved he didn’t kiss me again and I didn’t have to talk to him. He did text me and he was talking about how he was tired and blah blah blah. I was angry because at least he had slept.
For two days I didn’t get a wink of sleep and my saliva had to rebuild. 22 minutes of kissing is not normal! Especially for your “first kiss”! (I’ve decided to not consider that my first kiss) I also wouldn’t be alone during the day, which confused my mom because I like to hang out in my room alone a lot. My mom could tell something was going on but I just told her the date was fine and he kissed me and it was fine.
The third night I texted Ben and asked if he could talk. Though I couldn’t tell my mom about it, I needed to tell someone. My girl friend kept making up excuses to not talk to me. She didn’t care about me when I needed her most.
So Ben came and picked me up and I told him a vague story of what happened and he told me he pretty much assaulted me. He knew even with the little information I gave him. I felt so relieved someone felt it was as bad as I felt it was. The two days before I had tried to pretend it was okay.
Because Ben was there for me, I was able to tell my mom. My parents blew up and ended up calling Fred’s dad at 1 in the morning telling him the next time he’ll hear anything, it’ll be from our lawyers. I shan’t sport you with what’s happening to him now, but I’m grateful I came out so he can’t do this to any other girls.
My family and friends have been very supportive to me. I blame myself for not being strong enough to drive away sooner, I blame myself for being alone with him when I already knew who he was because he had asked me to sext and if we could have sex. I still don’t sleep at night and there are a lot of things that trigger that night for me but I’m grateful for the love of the people who are closest to me.
I feel a lot right now that I need to share my story with lots of people. I’ve read many stories of people that are assaulted and are too scared to say anything. Don’t be. It doesn’t matter how bad or not bad the assault is. If you’ve said no more than once, it’s assault and a crime. Find someone that you trust and will listen and help you tell authorities and get through it because someone will. Be strong even if it’s not in that moment.
— Survivor, age 16