The reason i am sharing my story is because, all though SOME of my family have always been 100% supportive of my sexual assault and would do anything to help me. They don’t understand what I’ve been through and hopefully never will. Although I have told most of my close friends, they brush it off and act like its not a big deal, and although this may be because they don’t know how to respond. I guess I just need reminding that what happened to me is a big deal and isn’t something to just ‘brush off’.
So, although i know many people had it a lot worse than I did, i just need support and know that I’m not alone.
When I was 8 or 9 years old, my parents got divorced and I was at my dads for the week. I woke up in the middle of the night, as per usual and straight away, I went into my dads bed like I did every night. But this night something horrible happened. I crawl into my dad bed and dad moves closer. He starts kissing me on the cheek and telling me how much he loves me. The kissing becomes more intense and he starts kissing my neck. I knew something was wrong but I didn’t know what to do. He starts rubbing my back and my front until he moves down my pants. I pushed him away with my hand but he comes closer. His eyes were shut the whole time, like he was half asleep. Finally, I crawled out of bed and walk out of the room. On my way out i hear my dad say “sorry” and I say “it’s okay” and go sleep in my sisters bed. All I want to do is call my mum and tell her to come pick me up because i knew what just happened wasn’t right. However, I realize that the phone is in my dads bedroom and the last thing I wanted to do was go back in there. So I lay there, not being able to move until morning. The first thing I do is hop in the shower and stand there, thinking “I better wash my neck”, so I stand there with my head tilted to the side for what felt like forever. I get out and sit down and my dad (out of nowhere) says “would you like the day off today?” This never happened, he never let me have the day off. In that moment I knew, he knew.
Although I knew something was wrong, I had no idea what to do. I mean what was I to do at the age of 9. So I kept it a secret for about 3 years until I was about 11 or 12. I told my mum one night, because she kissed me goodnight and I got tingles down my back (this had been happening every time someone hugged or kissed me since I was 9). I told her what happened and she started to cry.
From that moment, I have been interviewed by police and lawyers, interrogated, dealt with depression and anxiety. Although no one was ever aware of this just by looking at me, I’ve always had a smile on my face and never shown this side to anyone. Not even my therapist.
As well as this, my older sister and brother, never believed me or did anything to show me they supported me. To this day they still live with dad, who says that I made it up and he has no idea what I’m talking about, and don’t understand what the big deal is. I haven’t spoken to them in a while. Thank the Lord I have one brother who would have done anything to support me, and did and so did my mum. Without them, I most likely wouldn’t be alive today.
Although now i’m in high school and can say i’m fairly happy, this will also be something I carry on my shoulders and although I never show it, I’m still so sad in side and a lot of the time I think about how easy it would be to end my life. But I have a happy family and amazing friends, what more could I ask for? I haven’t spoken to my dad in 5 years, however my sister that I don’t speak to, goes to my school so i do see him sometimes and in moment, I swear my heart stops. All my friends just laugh it off and say “he’s so ugly” or something to make me feel better, which I appreciate but I guess they don’t understand how much I just want to cry when I see him.
Thanks for reading my story. I guess I just wanted to get this out and show my self that it’s a big deal.