Ive been debating telling this story let alone publish it. I was 10 years old when I was continuously raped by a neighbor which lasted 2 years. I blamed myself for years for what happened but now I firmly believe that this person was a monster and there wasnt anything I could do.
The first time he actually penetrated me he held me down and no matter how much screaming I did it didnt help. After that incident I told him I wouldnt come over anymore at which point he put the barrel of a 357 revolver in my mouth and pulled the trigger he didnt load it but I didnt know that. He told me if I ever told or stopped coming over the next time it would be loaded. There was a while when I wish it had been loaded so it would be over.
During the rape I totally disconnected myself from the event. I remember seeing myself struggling and screaming which didnt make sense because i was on the ceiling or in the corner hiding curled up.
As a way of dealing with the rape I blocked out everything from my memory including my childhood. My life as an adult was mostly not feeling anything dont let anyone in never get too close to anyone. I even went as far as joining the Navy to get away from the memories.
I burried the memories for about 25 years though it did show through with the way I socially isolated as much as possible and my one early suicide ideation about age 23.
I married and we had one wonderful child but throughout the marriage I didnt allow my ex to ever learn or know what I had been through. Unfortunately the marriage did not last when I finally became painfully aware of what had happend I again attempted suicide not a good idea. I ended up getting a medical discharge from the Navy after 19 years because of cutting my arms with a razor as a way to feel real and to punish myself. I am finally after a lot of therapy and wonderful counselors at the Veterans Hospital I am able to deal with the memories. It still comes up on occasion but I am able to deal or get help when needed. I still have flashbacks especially about the gun but I deal with it with my therapist.