As a child (3-7 years old) I was sexually, physically, mentally abused by my biological father. My mother didn’t believe me when I told her what had happened when it first happened so it continued until my grandmother beat it out of me. I don’t think she realised what she was getting into. She just hated me because he was also raping her, unbeknownst to anyone else, and I was his daughter (like father like daughter she thought.) After her beating she called the police and we were removed from his care and placed into a woman’s refuge until we were settled somewhere else (my mum, sister and brother.)
I wanted to speak about as a healing process for me, my mum, nana and sister (and everyone else basically) thought it was best to keep quiet and forget about it. So I had my uncle who I could ask questions/talk to about it and he would tell me the truth as far as he knew. I grew into an angry person with my family members and would be obnoxious to them as I knew them to be liars, weak and scared. Something I didn’t want to be.
I moved to London a few months before I turned 19 to get away from my home town. A few years later I was out having a meal and drinking with my then partner, I had high heels, long black trousers and a vest top on, I was also menstruating! The night passed in flashes, I remember lots of snippets of memories, me talking to a friend and being a cocky, know it all bitch, not caring who heard because I was “right” I recall him telling my partner to take me home as I was being an idiot.
I don’t remember how long it was later that we did leave, or the fact I took my shoes off walking home, or the fact I sat down in front of a football stadium (on route to my home) and refused to budge, I don’t remember my partner telling me he was leaving me if I didn’t move. I found out all of this through flashes and police reports. I don’t remember that initial rape, or the man but i have images burnt into my head that will never leave me. I have the smell of him, the weight of his fat body on me, the street light flashing through the car seats down the dead end street. I remember feeling sick and telling him no, trying to push him off me. I remember him asking where I wanted to get out and seeing my house and saying here! I don’t remember how I got in the house as I didn’t have my keys. I don’t recall my partner coming back shouting/talking/begging at me to tell him where I was… I don’t remember the police coming and trying to talk to me. I remember reaching over for my cigarettes and feeling a draft on my thigh and sitting back. I then heard the police officer talking to me, stating that she knew something had happened as my pants were ripped. it was like I hadn’t noticed her sing song voice talking. I found out afterwards that she had been there for quite some time trying to talk to me while I sat and cried in the stair well crying.
After telling her many times to fuck off/go away/get out of my place/I didn’t want them here…I said “you are all the fucking same, want to know what’s up then don’t do anything about it!” then I clammed up again. I had one awesome police officer (Emma G <3!!) who wouldn't back anyway when she knew something was happening! I did obviously tell my story, I told Emma, I told DC Joanne, and I told the courts! I told my family and had to listen to my big sister, my baby brother, my uncle and my parents break down in tears. The senior DS in charge of my case K. W asked if I would speak with a reporter, which I did. I am not ashamed of being raped in one aspect but another I do not want to say it. I will tell anyone who I think NEEDS to know about my rape because we NEED to report it, we NEED to talk about. My rapist Mojam Hussain was a stranger to me. He usually raped "ladies of the night" I don't know whether he chose me because I was an easy target or not, but it is highly likely. At the time of the rape his wife was pregnant with his baby! He was from Bangaldesh and living in MY country because of issues with his own country. From court proceedings I heard that I told him that I begged for it, I told "I was English and knew how to fuck!" So he did! It took 8 months to find him via DNA and get to the courts. My sisters birthday, Feb 3rd, his trial started. My friends from home came down on the second day for support. They sat through my partners testimony, I couldn't as it was too hard, and they sat through the police reports and the medical notes and the rapists testimony with me. I sat throughout it all to hear what I didn't know/remember. I needed to face him to show him that I didn't give a shit about him, he hadn't hurt me other than that night he decided to rape me. Through my statement I had mentioned my abused as a child, the way I am ie when I get angry I will blank things, when his barrister/lawyer questioned me, the first thing that came out of his mouth was something to the affect of "you've claimed rape before unsuccessfully with your father" my lawyer stopped him before he had the chance to ask, the jury was removed and the judge told him that had nothing to do with this case so he wasn't allowed to ask about my abuse case (well non case as it didn't go to court!) Once he did this I could feel my anger rising, which allowed me to focus on the truth which I knew and not feel intimidated by this fool and his lawyer! I watched his family (sister, wife and mother) pretend to cry and wipe vaseline on their eyes to look like they were crying. My two friends and I spoke about what would happen if he got away it, talking we said we would grab his family, nothing happened as he was found guilty, plus the police officers were sitting beside us in the court and once the judge said guilty, I just dropped forward, my hands in my head and cried, my friends were cuddling me, the police were patting my back, then hurried us out. Before leaving the court room, I scanned at the room, I saw the judge rushing out, the jury watching me/his family, some were crying also and Mojam crying like the big fat sweaty pig he is, falling to the fall. He looked over towards me? or his family I don't know but he showed no remorse at all. He got the bird from me! I found out also that he had raped a few other people one lady he raped and smashed her head the car door and basically kicked crap out of her, because she was a prostitute he got away with it. That is my story and I am not a victim, I will not allow myself to become one.