I was 12 years old and I had this step-brother who was 16 and always the kindest to me. One day, my parents where out on a night out and it was just me and my step-brother in the house. I was in my room playing a video game and he came in with just his underwear on. He told me to take my clothes of which obviously I said no to but he wouldn’t take no for an answer. So he took all my clothes of his self. I was kicking and punching him but he was too strong. I didn’t know what else to do. He then finally raped me. This started to be a regular thing that happened to me until he finally moved out which was 2 years later.
I then started to get involved with the wrong crowd. I started skipping school, getting high, take really bad drugs. When I actually did go to school I spoke to my english teacher about it considering he was the only one willing to help and the only one that didn’t judge me. He used to say things that made me feel sexually attracted to him and I’m not going to lie here but I liked it. About 3 months later I realized it was wrong and he didn’t like that. That day in school reminded me of the two years with my with my step-brother. that day he touched me and raped me. I remember that day so clearly and I just can’t seem to forget it.
I tried to kill myself many time and I would cut myself. I still get high and take drugs but it’s like my safe point and it just completely makes me forget but when the drugs wear off I think back to them bad times. I can’t stop taking them and no one can help me because I haven’t told people what happened I have kept it a secret for so many years. I really honestly don’t know what to do I just want to end my life because I’m sick and tired of feeling like this. It’s all my fault I should of told my parents about my step-brother and maybe it would of stopped. I should of said no to my english teacher the first time he said those things to me. It’s all my fault and I can’t change anything.
— Survivor, age 17
Dear Survivor – Thank you so much for posting your story here. First and foremost I want you to know that I believe you. I promise you that what happened to you was NOT your fault. It’s not what you should or shouldn’t have done; they shouldn’t have hurt you. I know what it feels like to feel like you can’t tell anyone, but so many survivors are silent for many years and after a long time – on their own terms – are able to confide in someone. A close friend or a therapist maybe. There are terrible people in the world but there are also really amazing people who will listen to you and support you. They’re not always easy to find but I promise they are out there. You are very strong for posting your story here and I believe that you can heal. Sending you love, Alexis
Dear survivor,
None of what happened to you is your fault. Sexual violence of any kind is never the fault of the person who experiences it. It is really common for people to not speak up because they are afraid or feel shame. You are not alone in that or in the emotions you are experiencing. They are all valid and important. You are important! Please know that the only people responsible for what happened to you are the people who hurt you. There are really wonderful resources out there for you and I am happy to help you find them. If you’d like that, just respond back to this post. Please know that I think you are important, valuable, courageous, and incredibly brave.
Dear Survivor, thank you for sharing your story with us. None of it was your fault, although I can relate to the self-blame and the wishing I had done things differently. I’m worried about you, and I do believe that there are good people in the world who are worthy of your story and your trust. Please consider looking at the Get Help page on this website for resources, or if you feel unsafe call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK or 1-800-273-8255. The Lifeline can give you immediate counseling and referrals for mental health care in your area. Much love to you.