Sometimes I wonder if it was my fault…Did I say yes? I must of, right?
I was studying in Rome for the academic year, what was meant to be the best year of my life.
I had been at a party and obviously was drinking, a friend and I decided to go out to a new club, I was tipsy but I wouldn’t say drunk. I remember getting into the club and it being a bit weird but we just thought it might have been the fact it was during the week. My friend and I were dancing and then suddenly she went off not feeling well. She was sitting down. I carried on dancing. I think a man gave me a drink. I don’t remember leaving the club or my friend. Next thing I know i’m crying on a bed, a man is having sex with me. I felt so disorientated that it took me time to realize what was happening and to ask him to stop. He didn’t, I remember him trying to get me to like it and me saying no. Somehow I managed to answer the phone to my friend but i was hysterically crying. He stopped and my friend demanded he spoke to her on the phone and tell her where I am. He was so cocky and saying it was mutual and wouldn’t tell her the address. I got dressed, only my bottom half was naked, and he found it highly amusing when I was telling him this wasn’t okay. I had to walk around Rome on my own at 5 in the morning having no clue where I was. I felt so disorientated, like never before. I was crying when I finally reached the metro and managed to get home.
A week later, I couldn’t eat or focus on anything. I cried all the time. My friend didn’t mention it again once I told her I was ok. But I ended up ringing my mum, she flew out to help me and unfortunately told all my sisters thinking it would support me. I’m not angry or anything as no one mentions it.
I feel extremely ashamed and guilty, a year later. I did complete my year and blocked it out. But I don’t feel like I will ever be able to be intimate with anyone. I feel almost trapped in this memory and constantly with this feeling that I must have said yes? I don’t even know what the guy looked like as it was dark in the room and most of the night is a blur. Normally I can block it out and forget it but recently its too hard to do. I never said it was Rape or assault, as I do feel like it’s my fault. I must have been too drunk as I can’t 100% say I was drugged. But I honestly can’t remember anything past a certain time, how did I meet him? was he in the club? did we get a taxi? how did I get to his? what did he look like?
Was this assault or just a drunken one night stand?
I’ve never spoke about what I remember, only briefly said it. Maybe that would help? I genuinely don’t know.