I had just turned 15 and it was the summer before my sophomore year in high school. I had had almost no experience. I was a virgin. I liked this older guy who was 18. We had talked a few times at school and he texted me late one night asking if I wanted to sneak out and go to a party. I was a pretty naive girl and I didn’t drink or smoke or anything but I wanted to impress him. I snuck out and he told me we had to make one stop before we went to the party. He pulled over by this construction site miles away from my home. He started kissing me aggressively and told me to get in the backseat with him. I just listened to him, I didn’t want him to know that I’d never done this before. As soon as we got in the backseat, he roughly started fingering me. I was nervous I told him that I didn’t want to do anything more and I was scared. He didn’t even say a word to me, he just started to kiss me harder and then I felt this really sharp pressure and he shoved his penis all the way inside me and it hurt so badly. I told him to stop and he didn’t stop he just went faster. It hurt so much I could hardly move. I told him to stop two more times and he wouldn’t. Finally I tried to push him off of me. He was 6 2′ and a linebacker and I’ve always been a small girl. I think it startled him though because he pulled out of me. There were tears in my eyes and I told him to take me home and all he said was “What the hell is wrong with you”.
The whole ride home I felt disgusting. I’ve cut myself for years and blamed myself and now at 18 I still am not over it. I felt disgusting and broken, I felt dirty in a way I could never clean even if I knew it wasn’t my fault nothing could change how I felt about myself. Ever since then, I doubted if what I experienced was even rape. I still don’t know if it was rape but I know I had something taken from me that I didn’t want to give. It’s effected sex and every relationship I’ve been in. I’m hoping writing about it anonymously will help me feel better somehow and give me closure.
You are an incredibly brave young woman. I firmly believe that each person must define their own experiences, but when it comes down to it, it doesn’t really matter what you call it. The fact of the matter is that the experience has impacted your life. He took something from you that you didn’t want to give and it has impacted your relationships. You are not to blame for what happened to you and you are not disgusting, broken, or dirty, even if you feel that way. I think that writing or talking about what happened to you is the best way to start healing and to get closure. So I hope that writing this has helped you begin to heal. You are not to blame and you are not damaged. I don’t know you, but I know you are a beautiful person who had a horrible thing happen. Lots of love to you as you navigate this journey.
I know how it feels being 15 and wanting to prove to other people that your not as naive as everyone thinks. But you have to understand, no matter how hard it is or what others say, what happened wasn’t your fault. You just wanted to go to a party like the majority of all other teens. You didn’t ask for what happened. That being said, unfortunately the worst things can happen to the best of us. Posting your story was an incredibly brave move and I can only imagine what its like having to discuss something so personal that occurred three years ago. And you are far too beautiful, strong, and intelligent to harm yourself. Out there is a guy or girl who will treat you with respect and love, you just have to keep searching. But please have hope. It gets better and I know you’re strong enough to take on whatever else life throws at you. As for cutting, I heard that using a rubber band or drawing/painting on your arm helps tremendously! Stay strong and keep fighting.
I was raped at 19, and I can tell you right now: that WAS rape and you have no reason to think that your actions made that happen. I think some guys seem to think we are always wanting sex, therefore there is something wrong with us if we do not. I was a virgin at the time, and planned to stay a virgin until marriage. It has been 2 years and I have barely been able to look at a guy the same way anymore. But I will tell you that it does get better. Please do not lose hope. Always remember that there are people out there rooting for you. I shared my story a year ago, and have felt so much more hope after that than I could have ever imagined. Please do not blame yourself. You did NOTHING wrong, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. He took advantage of you, and he took something from you. That is something that unfortunately can never be forgotten. But you can get past it, and you will.