I had just turned 15 and it was the summer before my sophomore year in high school. I had had almost no experience. I was a virgin. I liked this older guy who was 18. We had talked a few times at school and he texted me late one night asking if I wanted to sneak out and go to a party. I was a pretty naive girl and I didn’t drink or smoke or anything but I wanted to impress him. I snuck out and he told me we had to make one stop before we went to the party. He pulled over by this construction site miles away from my home. He started kissing me aggressively and told me to get in the backseat with him. I just listened to him, I didn’t want him to know that I’d never done this before. As soon as we got in the backseat, he roughly started fingering me. I was nervous I told him that I didn’t want to do anything more and I was scared. He didn’t even say a word to me, he just started to kiss me harder and then I felt this really sharp pressure and he shoved his penis all the way inside me and it hurt so badly. I told him to stop and he didn’t stop he just went faster. It hurt so much I could hardly move. I told him to stop two more times and he wouldn’t. Finally I tried to push him off of me. He was 6 2′ and a linebacker and I’ve always been a small girl. I think it startled him though because he pulled out of me. There were tears in my eyes and I told him to take me home and all he said was “What the hell is wrong with you”.
The whole ride home I felt disgusting. I’ve cut myself for years and blamed myself and now at 18 I still am not over it. I felt disgusting and broken, I felt dirty in a way I could never clean even if I knew it wasn’t my fault nothing could change how I felt about myself. Ever since then, I doubted if what I experienced was even rape. I still don’t know if it was rape but I know I had something taken from me that I didn’t want to give. It’s effected sex and every relationship I’ve been in. I’m hoping writing about it anonymously will help me feel better somehow and give me closure.