Very recently a friend and I decided that for the day we want to drink. I poured one shot, two shots, three shots, four shots, more down my throat as he did the same. We both were very intoxicated. We went upstairs, no parents were home, nor were there siblings. It was the usual dancing around and stumbling all over until both of us are on the bed. I don’t even remember my pants coming off, but he was on top of me. I accepted it at first, but came to realize it was not what I wanted. Orally and with his hands he kept going, even though I was vocal to stop.
I didn’t physically try to hurt him and prevent him from furthering in that way, which is why I consider it my mistake. But soon enough I wriggled out from under him and collected my belongings. While doing so he pleaded for me to come back and tried to rub his body (naked) on me, beckoning me back in the bed. I left the house as quick as I could and ran to a friends, sobbing.
He followed me and met me at the house, realizing the wrongs and that he has a girlfriend as well. He kept asking “did I take advantage of you?” and I continually just denied it knowing he’s depressed and suicidal, not wanting to have him hurt himself over it.
I’m conflicted on my emotions because I don’t want to hurt him. I’m trying to forgive him as a person, but the experience is constantly on my mind. Since I said he didn’t take advantage of me he doesn’t acknowledge that as a wrongdoing, and it’s mostly concerned about his girlfriend instead.
I can’t stop thinking about the entire ordeal and don’t even know it its assault and I know I could’ve done more to stop it. Thanks for reading, and thanks so much for this website.
— Survivor, age 15
This is not your fault at all! Don’t blame yourself for not doing more. Sexual harassment is in the eye of the beholder. If you feel that he has violated you in any way (which it looks like he has) you should look it as rape. It was assault. Even if you both were intoxicated, a friend would never rape you in any circumstance. Depression and suicidal does not make people do these terrible things. I was like that once, and I never thought of anything like rape. I will keep you in my prayers, and will hope that you can get through this and move on with your life.
You absolutely did nothing wrong. You were vocal for it to stop and he did not stop. You are not responsible for making him stop, he is. Only you can define your experience, but I can tell you by the legal definition, this would be considered an assault. This was not your fault.
I understand why these circumstances make you reluctant to call this incident what it was. I was raped this by a stranger who I had let into my home. I found it very hard to tell people what had happened to me for I had taken a risk when drunk and I believed no one would have compassion for me because I had been careless.
I was in a very emotionally fragile state when I let a stranger into my house, I had never taken such a risk before- in fact, due to severe depression I had not had any sexual relations for years. I had sex with him once, but like you, I eventually became clear, I was sobering up. I realised I was not emotionally save, and how could I guarantee I was physically safe? I did not know him, I had met him on the bus. I was crying when I explained that I did not want to do this and I asked him to leave. That is when he forced me. After a physical fight and screaming for help I finally let him rape me because I believed I would be safer if I gave him what he wanted.
When the man fell asleep I crept out of the house and called my brother, the police then removed this man from my house. I apologised to my brother for distressing him and getting him up at 5am. I believed it was my fault and that I had caused a lot of trouble by being wreckless with my safety.
Questioning the part we played in the incident seems to be a very common problem for survivors of any kind of abuse. It is also a common problem that women are trained, sometimes subtly, sometimes overtly, to take responsibility for the behaviour of others, particularly men.
You have a good heart if you are able to feel compassionate towards this man, but you DID tell him to stop and he didn’t stop. Remember your feelings about what happened count regardless of his point of view. Even if he doesn’t know it is wrong to have sex with someone who is too intoxicated to know what is happening, this doesn’t mean it is right. You don’t have to suppress your feelings. If he genuinely doesn’t know, (which sounds unlikely by what you have said) it’s time he was educated. Have courage, and please be very kind to yourself.