Never the Same

At the age of 6, I started being molested by a family member. At first I didn’t understand what was happening. At first it was just touching then he started making me have oral sex with him. It went on until I was in the 7th grade (12 yrs old). I took health and I learned that what he was doing to me was wrong and I started hating myself for not knowing. The next time I saw him, I told him I didn’t want to do it anymore and I was gonna tell. He told me if I told nobody would believe me and that I would get in trouble for letting him do it. I didn’t know at the time he had a history of being inappropriate with his sister when the we’re young about 10 so everyone already knew to stay away. He was 12 when he started touching me, now he’s 18 at this point. I believe him and let it continue until I was 14 and moved away. A year later, he finds out where I live which is by his sister’s house (not the same sister his older sister) so he moves in with her and starts coming over to “visit”. I tried to always make sure we were never alone but its hard when your parents are never home. One day my mom had an asthma attack at work and had to stay in the hospital over night, so she called him to check up on me and my younger brother. That night we went to sleep, but I couldn’t so I went downstairs to my mom’s room and watched TV. I must of fallen asleep because all I remember is waking up to him putting his hand over my mouth and him using his knee to keep my legs open. I tried pushing him off but he was way stronger than me. He held my hands above my head while he took my shorts off. He stuck his fingers inside me and it hurt a lot but he had my arms pinned down really hard and I couldn’t move. I begged him to stop but he told I should be happy that I was having sex with him because I would never get the chance with anybody else. He told me I was ugly and a slut and if I should be thanking him and want to please him because nobody gonna want me after he was done. I believed him, I thought that I was gonna be alone forever because I was tainted so I let him do it. It was the worst pain I ever felt, it got to the point where my whole body went numb. I just remember wanting it to be over and for him to get off me. When he finished he told me to clean myself up while he took care of the bed. I took a shower then he had me clean up all the blood spots that soaked through the sheets and flip the mattress, we made the bed then he left. I sat up all night crying in pain, even now I still have nightmares about it. I blame myself for ever letting it happen I should of told someone but I didn’t want to tear my family apart. 3 months after the rape I found out I was pregnant. I missed my period and I got scared so I bought a pregnancy test and it was positive. I haven’t told my parents I don’t think I can ever tell them the truth. I never had a boyfriend or anything like that and I’m scared to get an abortion. I know I can’t hide it forever and soon I’ll start showing and I don’t know what I’m gonna tell my mom. I’m afraid if what she will think and what others will say. I guess I’ll find out when I get to that point but for right now I’m just trying to get myself together.

— Star, age 16