As I live through this new
vocabulary, which I
had somehow managed to never
befriend in all these years
of pain, trouble, disappointment, heartbreak,
disenchantment, depression even…
I struggle to accept, this
truth, this world view, this reality
which has smacked me
right across my face, my soul,
my body, my heart, revolts…
In anger, no no, rage
or with the earth shattering,
heart wrenching pain, that clenches
around my lungs, making my screams
pour through my eyes,
my clenched fists,
breaking the walls of my silence. Till I can no longer bear them.
I don’t really know, how to
react, respond, reach out or search within,
Is it resilience or is it avoidance?
Is it grieving or is it spiraling?
Every answer that I had learnt
had not prepared me for these questions,
and I fail to reconcile with the me that is,
the me that was or will ever be.
How many me did I lose? How many would I lose further?
Yes, yes I am one.
Made powerless by the past,
which I can re-live, rewind, but
can’t change. Hindsight is
a bitch, who gnaws softly
and suddenly snaps a chunk of flesh off,
leaving you to bleed, but not letting you die.
How could I, the warrior,
the rebel, the fighter,
the brave-heart, the eternal optimist, be constricted into this word,
which defined another,
and never me. When did I become the other?
I struggle, to accept this stamp.
But this is my stamp. For now.
For now this is who I am.