I am a rape survivor. I was in a relationship with this guy for about a year and 3 months in total. I thought we would be together for a long time. I thought he would never hurt me. I thought he would never do what he did. But yet, he still did it.
I was 14 when I started dating him. I was in eighth grade. He was my friends older brother. He was 16 at the time. Ever since i saw him I wanted to be able to be his girlfriend. I wanted him to notice me so I started being someone who I never wanted to become. I started drinking, going to parties, being a hoe, acting older than I was. I would do anything for him to notice me. The day he finally started to talk to me was the best day of my life. I felt so happy. He treated me like a queen. He was perfect. I felt so wanted. I never wanted it to end.
On October 7, 2014 he asked me to be his girlfriend. My heart melted. I wanted to cry and scream. It made me so happy. I said yes to his question and he picked me up and kissed me. Best moment of my life.
We had one of those cute relationships where everything seemed perfect and cute because it was. We did everything together. We had so much fun together. So many memories. I loved to be with him. He was my everything and honestly I was starting to fall in love with him.
Then one day everything just stopped. He stopped showing me he cared. Stopped making me feel wanted. Made me feel terrible about myself. He said thing to me that nobody should ever say to their girlfriend/boyfriend or let alone anyone. He called me a slut, bitch, hoe, skank, cunt, ugly, terrible person, selfish, so many more things. Soon I started to believe the things that he said about me. I began to feel worthless. Then soon after he started saying those things to me he started to hit me, pin up to walls and choke me, push me. If I did one thing wrong then he would hurt me. I was so scared of him.
Right around our one year anniversary, we went to a party with a bunch of his friends. I was 15 at the time. My boyfriend at the time went to go talk to one of his other friends and I was left alone drunk with his two best friends. His friends wanted to take me upstairs so that I could get some rest. Me being stupid followed them. They both locked me in a room and forced my clothes off of me. Soon after my boyfriend at the time walked in and I thought he was going to stop them but he didn’t, he helped them. He continued to force me to have sex with him after his friends left.
Everything after that is a blur, I dont remember it.
I couldn’t leave him knowing he will hurt me so I stayed with him for 4 more months. He continued hitting me, forcing me to have sex with him, making me feel like shit.
I still remember that day like it was yesterday. It hurts me so much. Now I cant even trust anyone. I hate myself. I blame myself for what happened. I cant look in the mirror without wanting to cry. I hate him so much. He still contacts me to this day and im terrified that something will happen again. I dont wish rape on anyone.
Some of you might think that “she was only 14/15, that doesnt count” or whatever. But to me it counts. To me it hurts. To me its scarring.
I am a victim of rape.
— Survivor, age 16
A part of you is lost. He took it. But another aspect of you has replaced that part that he stole. It is anger and strength. Although he seemed like a powerful male then, you will become a woman way more strong because you lived through those disgusting acts. Don’t let men tell you women are less, dont let men make you feel belittled. You’re a strong woman who can conquer all, even those weakend indiviuduals who force sex on women rather than accepting the challenge and playing by the rules. Men love power and sexual pleasure just as women do, they just lack self control, and that is where we win. They also lack compassion.
That is terrible that he would do this to you! I guess sometimes people think that other people belong to them and are like a little personal slave or something. It is absolutely disgusting and I can’t imagine why there are so many creeps who do this and so little coverage and punishments. If I had my way, this would be an incredibly serious offence and he would go to jail or some sort of therapy or detention centre. I’m glad that you decided to share this story to both inform and inspire. Many women aren’t strong enough to disagree, report or admit to being abused and you are very strong to post this especially at such a young age.
Dear survivor,
First, I want you to know that of course it counts. It doesn’t matter how old you are, what he did to you and what his friends did to you is rape. It counts. I want you to know that none of this is your fault. You did nothing wrong. It makes sense that you can’t trust anyone and that it is difficult to look in the mirror without crying. This is normal. You are normal. I am really proud of you for reaching out and sharing your story with Brave Miss World. I am wondering if there is any trusted adult in your life that you can talk to. There are also some great resources above under the “Get Help” tab. There are people who can help you. Please know that I am keeping you very close to my heart. With love and solidarity, Alissa
your story is very similar to mine. i feel alone every single day and it has been 6 years. i hope to move on but it is hard. however, i’ve realized that as survivors, we can’t heal on our own. we need support. i need it, you need it, we all do. my ex still haunts me to this day and it’s terrible. i would love to talk to you about all this if you need anyone because i understand exactly how you feel. my ex sold me for drugs multiple times and i have so much guilt, like why didn’t i leave? it’s a long complicated story that i try to make sense of it even now and it just doesn’t. it never will. my head is always spinning, i feel like im drowning trying to understand why this all happened. but i was young. so were you. we were naive. we were tricked. we were exploited. it’s not fair, but we are stronger together. seriously, feel free to contact me anytime you feel weak because we all need a shoulder to cry on. i don’t have to be your best friend, but i’m here to talk because i might be the closest person to understanding what you’ve been through.